“That was a tough loss. But dying is a part of life…” Carlin Lynch

Sifting through stories since hearing the news that beloved coach, educator, humanitarian and patriarch, Carlin Lynch passed away. A “father” figure to so many, including me, his passing is a “tough loss” to everyone who knew him.

But as Carlin said to his friend, Buddy Thomas, “Dying is a part of life…”

The question becomes, in the heart-wrenching aftermath of such a pivotal loss, how do we “hold each other” through our loss? How do we navigate the new, life-altering terrain of grief in his absence?

Receivng the call from my eldest daughter, story after story filtered through my mind as I “held” Jamie through the anguished “first-knowing” of a world without Carlin.

Everywhere I went yesterday, people asked, “Did you hear about Carlin?”

Driven to connect, to remember, to share the stories that bind us together, I called person after person whose “Carlin stories” intersected with mine.

And once again, a deep knowing emerged——that it is within these treasured, open-hearted, shared stories that we discover the true capacity for healing in the face of loss.

A dear friend asked me a thought-provoking question about Miss M’s grief journey after reading Graceful Woman Warrior”— “Miss M experienced her mother’s death as a young child and with this book has been exposed to this beautiful philosophy of how to live a meaningful life. Do you think it makes it more difficult for her to deal and communicate with other kids her age because of it?”

Here’s my response—

“Our culture certainly makes it difficult for people of all ages to talk about death. My dad died when I was eight and the three youngest children were shipped off to an aunts for two weeks—the thought being, children don’t understand or “grieve” like adults. This pivotal experience led me to specialize in grief and loss, particularly that of children. The key is to keep the channels of communication open—not forcing the conversation, but making sure the conversation is available. The concept of “Good Grief” is the model I was trained in, offered by Sandra Fox, Maria Trozzi and Rabbi Grollman.

Working in schools, it was my job to go into the classroom when there was a death in a child’s life. I would meet with the class, read the book Lifetimes, and talk with the kids about how to “be” with the grieving child when they returned. It was never in silence. But, offering the words to say, making cards for the child, all helped both the grieving child and those who cared about him/her.

In the end, no one escapes death. So bringing the universal to the table absolutely creates a space of healing often unavailable to so many.

Miss M and I did a book talk with her 4th grade class. Once we opened the door to talk about our stories, almost every child raised their hand to share about someone they loved who died. There were some tears, including mine (Miss M always warns our audience about my emotionality!), but those are “good tears” because they are shared in a space of acceptance and caring.

It’s all about opening the door. Her teacher shared the book trailer with the class, and the kids were incredibly supportive to Miss M. Her Mom may not be alive but she is a powerful part of her story, and three of Miss M’s classmate’s Moms reached out to me to bring their child to our Book Launch!

Luckily, I found this powerful group called empowerHER, started by Cara Belvin whose Mom died when she was 9. Like me, her family rarely talked about her mother’s death, and the silence around her grief ultimately led her to create a safe space for girls whose Moms died. We do yoga, writing classes, etc. with other girls who have experienced the same loss. They pair girls with an adult female mentor who takes them shopping for school, out to lunch, etc., all the things “missing” from a motherless daughter’s life. This group has changed Miss M’s life (and mine!).

So my friend, that’s my take. It’s in the sharing of our stories that our true healing takes place.”

I look forward to the countless shared stories about Carlin in the days ahead. I will be forever grateful to him for insisting I take the Family Outreach Social Worker job in the Dartmouth Public Schools, despite having just birthed my third child two weeks before my interview!

“Laurie, we need you. The kids and families of Dartmouth need you.”

He had fought hard and long to find the money to fund his vision of an educational system that met the social/emotional needs of its children and familes.

“Laurie, we have to bridge the gaping hole between families and our schools by meeting them where they are—in their homes. It’s all about building a relationship and gaining their trust.”

Visionary. Coach. Mentor. Humanitarian. Patriarch. Legend…

Carlin, your inspirational legacy will forever resonate in our hearts and souls, and our shared “Carlin stories” will remain a compelling and illuminating force for making our world a better place❤️

With Love, Auntie L