Time Marches On

This photo of Miss M at her new school job popped up on my FB timeline this morning and I was overjoyed to see her newest transition in action. Time certainly does march on…

So many firsts-first day at a new school, first time on the bus, first day working in the cafeteria, first time balancing life between Papai’s and Aunty Laurie’s (you forgot my sneakers at your house Aunty!!), first open house…

And yet within all these firsts I am reminded yet again that the loss of her mother continues to be a primary lens through which each of these firsts is filtered. Especially for me…

The “knowing” of this loss continues to march to its’ own beat. Just this morning, after rejoicing at seeing Miss M’s smiling face on FB,  I literally burst into tears driving to yoga. That tender space in my heart that holds Terri and my sister longed to hear their voices; to talk to them about this newest chapter in their daughter/granddaughter’s life.

Driving by the field where Terri often “appears” as a deer to Miss M and I, I swiped at my tears before switching from Miss M’s Taylor Swift to my beloved Laura Nyro Pandora station.

And there they were- immediately calling to me as the first few chords of Laura’s rendition of “Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow” filled my car.

So talk to them I did…

And as I talked I realized that each of us is called to have these “conversations”. None of us are immune.  But the essential question becomes, do we choose to answer? Do we choose to “show up”?  And furthermore, do we choose to show up for each other and hold each other through these “conversations”?

For me, it’s non negotiable. I have to show up. To examine that heart space that holds both the joys and the tragedies of my life. Both for myself and for those I hold near and dear to my heart.

Because if I don’t, the pain and the ache and the emptiness haunt me. Delivers me to a deep and dark place where fear and anxiety threaten to suffocate me and keep the love and the light just beyond my reach.

So I choose to show up. To have those heart rending conversations. With myself and with others.

Will you join me?

Love,

Auntie Laurie