Category Archives: Uncategorized

Whatever Works

Posted by gracefulwomanwarrior in Complimentary & Alternative Medicine, Living With Cancer, The Politics of Cancer, Uncategorized
Fun adventure with Auntie N to the Newport Aquarium!

Fun adventure with Auntie N to the Newport Aquarium!

Everyone is talking about Angeline Jolie & her decision to have a preventive double mastectomy.  And everyone’s asking me what I think…

So what do I think?  I think preventive surgery is a very individual decision.  A decision that is best left to the individual to make.  Would I have done the same thing?  Who knows.  My doctors continue to push me to do surgery to remove my ovaries to shut down estrogen production and help “prevent” a recurrence but I have decided (for now) to refuse that surgery.  That’s what works for me.  Undergoing a preventive double mastectomy is what works for Angeline Jolie.

Whatever works.

In general, I feel the medical establishment relies too heavily on surgery and pharmaceuticals to cure all of life’s modern ailments.  I firmly believe everyone would benefit from a more holistic approach to medicine and healing – One that looks at your history, stress levels, outside influences, and mental space just as much as the physical details of our individual body parts. We are so much more than just our individual body parts.  And I can’t get behind any treatment that espouses a narrow-minded, exclusive approach.  Us human beings are complex folks!

The reality is that everyone has an opinion.  A preference.  A different path.  What works for some, may not work for others.  I know I am constantly searching for my path, trying to figure out what works best for me.  Aren’t we all?

My diet is one thing I’m still trying to figure out…  After 8 days with the fabulous Antie N in town my body is still reeling from all the fun we had…  Way more booze than I’ve had in a long time (what I would normally consume over the course of 2 or 3 months I consumed in the span of a week)…  Less sleep…  Lots of indulging (in sweet treats, extra helpings, nibbles of cheese, and empty carbs)…  But it was so worth it!!!   We had a week of fun adventures, play time, girl talk, and truly memorable moments.  So I don’t beat myself up for the indulgences.  It was one kick-ass week with one of my bestest friends.  That’s what life is all about.  My body will re-balance itself.  I’m getting back up on the saddle again. ;-)

I actually have Part I of my much anticipated nutrition consult with  Andrea Nakayama scheduled for next week.  I’ve been following her since I read about her in Whole Living Magazine way back in October 2011 – A month before I was diagnosed.  She is a functional nutritionist with a holistic, whole-foods based approach.  I’ve listened to many of her online talks about balancing hormones and restoring the health of our bodies through diet and natural remedies.  I’m so excited to consult with her team about fine tuning my diet and figuring out what works best for me & my body.  If her detailed intake process is any indication of what lies ahead I’m sure our time together will be totally holistic, and very thorough & comprehensive.  I’m psyched.

The other thing I’m still trying to figure out is what’s up for the next chapter of my life.

Auntie N and I are both at a crossroads in our lives.  Having her here this last week, and being able to process that and compare notes was so helpful & therapeutic (for both of us!).  Many people have encouraged me to write.  So I did.  I started writing stuff (other than this blog – which it seems I haven’t gotten around to writing much lately either)…  But I can’t quite seem to get into it.  I don’t feel compelled to write the other stuff yet.  I can’t find my voice.  There’s always something else that takes priority.  Maybe I’m supposed to be writing something different?  Or maybe just doing something different.

One thing I keep feeling compelled to do is use my experience with cancer, the lessons I’ve learned, the insights I’ve gained, and my training as a social worker, to help others through their own difficult periods.  Try to help them figure out what works.

Honestly, I’m just so damn thrilled to even be able to have concerns like this – about my career or fine tuning my diet – instead of living in a haze of treatment side effects and obsessively thinking about my own mortality.  It’s been 5 weeks since my breast reconstruction and reduction surgery.  I’m back to driving again, squeezing in some light exercise here & there, and doing most of my normal every day activities.  The pain is pretty much gone.  I almost feel “normal”.  I guess this IS my new normal…  Normal concerns about what to eat, what job to take, how to stay healthy…  But yet always with this underlying current of questioning, worry, and unknowns.  But I guess we all have that to some degree or another, right?

For now, I will keep searching for answers while still trying to remain open to life’s mysteries.  I will enjoy life and continue making memories.  I will respect other people’s decisions while continuing to honor my own.

And in the end I’ll go with whatever works best.

Peace.  - T

Outdoor painting with Grandpa

Outdoor painting with Grandpa

Nature walk through Wegerzyn Gardens with Auntie N

Nature walk through Wegerzyn Gardens with Auntie N

Making memories at the aquarium!

Making memories at the aquarium!

Terri Got Her Groove Back

Posted by gracefulwomanwarrior in Complimentary & Alternative Medicine, Environmental Toxins, Mastectomy & Reconstructive Surgery, Pharmaceuticals, Uncategorized

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Spring is officially here (well at least in Ohio it is).  My surgery is done.  I have no more treatments scheduled or drugs to take.  I’m feeling good.  Ready to leap forward & embrace life.  Got myself a new pixie haircut and am starting to feel like I’m getting my groove back again.  Hallelujah!

Saw my oncologist Dr. K this week.  He agreed that my NY surgical team did a great job on my breasts.  Said everything else looked fine.  We did some blood work that my naturopath requested to monitor the nattokinase i’m taking (in lieu of the coumadin to prevent more blood clots).  Still don’t have the results on that yet but i’m assuming all is good.  I’m not feeling any of the blood clot signs…  No pain or swelling in my legs.  No shortness of breath.  No headaches.  Knock on wood…

Dr. K asked if I had gotten my period again and I was thrilled to tell him “Yes!” (I’ve only had 3 visits from ‘aunt flo’ since i was diagnosed in November 2011).  To me, getting my period again is a signal that my body is finally starting to re-balance itself.  Detoxing the chemo and other meds.  Getting back to normal.

But of course in the estrogen positive breast cancer world getting your period is something you don’t want.  And Dr. K said as much, encouraging me to consider options like surgery & more meds to permanently put my ovaries out of commission and end my periods once & for all.  I nodded politely, murmured a few “I knows” under my breath, but thought secretly in my head, “No way!”

No way am I going back to menopause land at age 38!  No way am I going back to a world where sex is painful and devoid of pleasure!  No way am I giving up this recent upsurge in my sex drive that actually has me wanting sex with my husband for the first time in almost 2 years!  No way am I going back to hot-flashes, brain fog, night sweats, and sleep problems!  Screw that!  Nobody talks about the sexual side effects of cancer.  But we so need to.

Luckily Dr. K is open to the work I’m doing with my naturopath to naturally lower and re-balance my estrogen levels.  Although western medicine takes the approach that estrogen is bad and we need to remove it all from the body to prevent cancer from happening, the reality is much more complex.  In fact, there are 3 different types of estrogen in our bodies (Estrone, Estradiol, and Estriol).  The first two are more aggressive and associated with increased breast cancer risk when tested at high levels.  But the final type is very healthy and has anti-cancer properties.  So the goal is to lower the first two & boost the healthy one.  This can be done with diet (cruciferous vegetables, fiber, flax, fermented soy products), supplements (calcium d-glucarate, indole-3 carbinol, DIM), and avoiding unhealthy xeno-hormones which damage cells & lead to mutations & cancerous tumors (ie. pesticides, herbicides, & other chemicals in our food, household & beauty products).   Estrogen is produced primarily in the ovaries but also in the adrenals and fat cells.  And those nasty xeno-hormones love fat cells!  So it’s really important to keep body fat to a minimum (one of the main reasons I’m looking to lose another 10 lbs).

The full story on hormones is of course way more complex than this.  Which is probably why most conventional doctors don’t address the issue in a more in depth manner.  It’s a lot of information.   Instead most offer the standard response: take Tamoxifen and suppress activity in your ovaries (either through surgery or more meds).  Period.

The last time I had my estrogen levels checked (through urine & saliva tests ordered by my naturopath) was almost 6 months ago.  At the time my Estradiol and Estrone levels were both at the very lowest end of the normal range (2.9 pg/mL and <0.3 pg/mL respectively) .  And my 2:16 hydroxyestrogen level was strong at 8.9 (ratios less than 2.0 indicate increased long-term risk for estrogen sensitive cancers).

So as long as my estrogen levels remain at healthy levels and my body continues to have no evidence of disease I will continue to say no to “preventative” surgery and medication.  And I’ll keep taking action the natural way instead.

Besides, I am loving the fact that I’ve got my groove back again after going for such a long time wondering if it would ever return (and I think hubby is loving it too ;-)

Life is pretty good these days…  Having my dad here has been great for both me and Miss M.  She follows grandpa around all day.  Can’t wait to wake him up in the morning.  Requests that he be the one to read her bedtime stories.  Sits as close as possible to him at the dinner table, in the car, and everywhere else.  The two of them are a great pair…  Chatting away with each other.  Listening to each other’s goofy theories and stories.  And just being silly.  It’s adorable.  And it’s giving me a much needed break to write, rest, and have a few moments to myself.

On Monday the party gets even better with the arrival of our beloved Auntie ‘Cole who’s coming for a week-long visit.  Hooray!  Miss M is overjoyed to have one of her favorite “aunties” coming to town (as am I to have my best friend around for some good ol’ girlfriend bonding time).

So far, the recovery from this surgery has been a hell of a lot easier than the last one (for everyone involved).  And I am determined to make this surgery my last.  Although I am not in denial about the realities of metastatic disease, I am confident that I can beat the odds.  That I will continue to heal, grow, and thrive.  I have a strong belief that anything is possible.  And I refuse to live through a lens of fear.

Life is tough.  Shit happens.  Challenges are inevitable.  But I for one, am determined to let go of suffering & fear and stay in the groove instead.

Peace.  - T

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Having Cancer Does Not Feel Good

Posted by gracefulwomanwarrior in Complimentary & Alternative Medicine, Living With Cancer, Mind Body Connection, Roots of Cancer, The Politics of Cancer, Uncategorized

breast-cancer-ribbon-2A few days ago the NY Times ran an article in their magazine entitled “Our Feel-Good War on Breast Cancer” by Peggy Orenstein. Everywhere I looked people were re-posting it, adding links to facebook, emailing it to me.  Yesterday, I finally got the chance to read it.

Orenstein takes on a few important topics…   The risk/benefit conundrum of yearly mammograms…  The over-selling of “early detection” as the answer to breast cancer…  Questionable over-treatment and fear tactics…  The unchanged death rates…  And the beyond ridiculousness of the pink ribbon campaign to raise awareness –  I’m pretty sure we’re all aware now.  Breast cancer is big.  It’s wrecking havoc.  We know.  Now let’s use that money for a real purpose, like funding research to find a cure, figure out the causes of cancer, or help metastatic patients live longer.  The messages in Orenstein’s article aren’t necessary new.  But it is nice to see the NY Times giving it press and especially nice to see Orenstein acknowledging the small and often overlooked percentage of us with metastatic disease.

I personally am very leery of frequent mammograms (and other scans for that matter).  I keep reading that the cumulative effect of radiation from regular mammograms actually increases the chances of getting breast cancer.  Kind of ironic, eh?  Just like Tamoxifen increases your risk for uterine cancer.  And breast radiation may cause lung cancer.  And Herceptin may cause heart failure.  Gotta love it.  It’s a constant battle of weighing the odds.  The benefits vs. the risks.

Since being diagnosed in November 2011, I’ve gone through more scans than I care to count and my body’s been subjected to endless amounts of radiation.  In my new approach to this disease I am now saying no to scans every 3 months (as well as to radiation treatment, Tamoxifen, and Herceptin).  When my oncology surgeon recently suggested I get a mammogram & ultrasound prior to my second reconstructive surgery I opted to skip the mammogram and just get the ultrasound.  I mean, when they do find something suspicious on a mammogram they send you for an ultrasound to further confirm anyway…  So why not just skip the questionable mammogram and go straight for the ultrasound?

It wasn’t news to me that death rates from breast cancer haven’t changed in the last 20 years.  While early detection may be finding more cancer, we’re still dying at the same rate.  How can that be good?  Seems like an obvious red flag that the current approach is not working.  While many people realize this, it really sucks that the medical establishment hasn’t caught on yet.   And while I truly appreciate the efforts of researchers who continue to understand more & more about the inner-workings of cancer and how it forms and grows, I hate that what comes from their brilliant research is just more drugs and toxic treatments.

I love Orenstein for giving a shout out to us metastatic folks.  Acknowledging the paltry sums of research dollars we receive.  The terror we often strike in our non-metastatic breast cancer sisters.  Our absence from “feel-good” breast cancer events.  It is important for all those diagnosed with breast cancer to know that no one is immune from getting metastatic disease.  Denial is not going to help you live longer.  Awareness, prevention, and action will.  I know you don’t want to think about it.  But cancer can come back.

Which brings me to the point we should all be thinking about.  Why did we get cancer in the first place?  Illness is our body’s way of telling us something is not right in our lives.  When I was diagnosed with Melanoma-in-situ (basically stage 0 skin cancer) in 2008 I woke up for a few minutes, changed a few things in my diet, started to eliminate chemicals…  But never went beyond that.   Never did the deeper soul searching.  Never figured out healthy ways to deal with stress.  Never took a serious look at what wasn’t right in my life.  My body was trying to tell me something but I wasn’t ready to listen.

So now, with metastatic breast cancer I am asking the big questions…  Where did this come from?  Why is it here?  What do I need to learn?  What do I need to change?  How can I use this as an opportunity to turn my life around, love myself more, and give back to the world?

Cancer is a very complex disease.  It requires a complex treatment plan.  Simply getting a mammogram or changing once piece of the picture doesn’t guarantee healing.  I can eat 100% healthy organic food and exercise every day but if I’m not dealing with my underlying subconscious fears, childhood wounds, dysfunctional relationships, financial problems, or my stressful & unfulfilling career then true healing may not ever happen.

I’m on an endless quest to figure out what’s broken in my life and find ways to fix it or make peace with it.

The battle is multi-dimensional.  Cancer is tireless and all encompassing.  We have to be too.

Peace.  – T

Family Love

Posted by gracefulwomanwarrior in Living With Cancer, Mastectomy & Reconstructive Surgery, Uncategorized

photo_2[1]The da Silvas have finally returned “home” to Ohio.  As always, it is bittersweet.

Miss M is overjoyed to be back with all her stuffed animal friends…  Hubby is thrilled to be sleeping on his comfy king size bed again…  I’m happy to be back in my kitchen & reunited with my juicer.  But it’s always difficult leaving the northeast, our families, friends, and the cities we love and returning to the homogeneous heartland of the mid-west.

We had such a great week in NY…  Spending time with family, going to the beach, coaching hubby on his first ever trip to the driving range, sharing lots of laughs, and of course, taking Miss M into the city for her mandatory train rides.

I saw my surgeon on Thursday for post surgery follow-up.  The drain was removed.  After care plans discussed.  No driving (probably for another week or so)…  No vigorous exercise (for another 4 weeks or so)…  Wear my itchy surgical bra 24 hours/day for the next 4 weeks (yes, I even have to sleep in the damn thing).  Then return for another appointment in 4-6 weeks.

It’s been 11 days since the surgery and I’m feeling pretty good.  My mind is clearing.  My body continues to detox from the anesthesia, surgery and pain meds (as well as the less than stellar diet I’ve indulged in over the last week – I need a serious sugar detox!).  I started my new 30+ pills a day vitamin & supplement regime (including the ever important nattokinase to prevent further blood clots).

The pain has been minimal.  So minimal that it tricks me into thinking I can go about my normal activities…  Until I do.  And then the pain starts.  Just chopping veggies for a big salad tonight brought on some twinges of pain.  So I stopped.  I know my limits and I’m not going to push them.  It’s not worth it.

Hubby has been absolutely AMAZING today.  Helping with everything.  Anticipating what needs to be done.  Playing with Miss M.  Doing 4 loads of laundry (and folding too!).  Going on a massive grocery excursion with me.  Preparing the extra bedroom for my dad’s arrival.  I joked with him, “Who are you?  What happened to my husband?  And can I keep you instead?”

I took my second real shower today since the surgery and finally had a good look at my new breasts.  What a trip.

Most of my adult life I’ve had droopy DD cups (except when I was pregnant, gained 50 lbs, and went up to a 36F!).  Now all of a sudden, I have small perky breasts.  Even though my right breast is still real, after being lifted and reduced it’s so damn perky it looks fake to me.  I haven’t measured them yet.  Plus, they’re still totally swollen – so I have no idea what the end result will be but I’m guessing I’ll have a nice set of 34B cups.  And for the first time since I was 12 I may actually be able to go bra-less!!!  Which opens up a whole new world of clothing options (hello, lil’ strappy sundress :-)

I’m still undecided about having further surgery down the road to have a fake nipple reconstructed onto my breast.  Right now it seems totally unnecessary.  But I could change my mind at some point.  Never say never.

Big shout-outs to my family (both in Massachusetts and NY) for making this surgical experience so seamless and stress free.  For taking care of me, hubby, and Miss M…  For opening your homes to us…  Feeding us…  Showering Miss M with attention and love…  Agreeing to play “doctor” or make believe “beach” with her for the umpteenth time or keeping her busy with fun activities…  And helping us get through this difficult time.

I keep saying thank you.  But thank you just doesn’t seem sufficient.  Once again my gratitude cup runneth over.  And I am reminded of the importance of community.  Of family.  Of letting go and not trying to go it alone.

Asking for and accepting help is not weak.  It’s wise.

Much love.  - T

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Surgery Update

Posted by gracefulwomanwarrior in Mastectomy & Reconstructive Surgery, Uncategorized

I survived yet another surgery. Hopefully it’ll be my last.

By all accounts the surgery went well. I went in to the OR around 10am on Wednesday and woke up again around 3pm (although the surgery itself only took a few hours). Upon waking I wasn’t puking all over myself like last time (thank god!) but was still nauseous for a good 24 hours. The entire team at the Beth Israel Cancer Center was friendly, helpful, and competent. And although I haven’t looked at my breasts yet, hubby has, and he says they did a really good job. Yay!

The pain has been relatively minor. Controllable with just some extra strength tylenol. Today, so far, I’ve managed with no meds at all.

They’ve got me wrapped up in a surgical bra that I wear day and night until the swelling goes down. Then eventually I guess I’ll have to go and get remeasured and by myself some new bras!

There was a bit of encapsulation on my left breast – where the skin & muscle tissue had hardened around the expander. So there was a bit more “digging” on that side to get the expander out & my implant in. This resulted in the left side being more swollen & tender than my breast reduction side. I also ended up with a drain on the left side – Which got clogged yesterday & required a quick visit with my surgeon to fix. But all is well today.

Generally, everything seems easier & less painful this time around. I’m still feeling weak, tired, groggy, and dizzy a lot but know that will fade with time. I’m also feeling a strong urge to eat more protein (which my surgeon said is normal & necessary after surgery) so I’m going with it. Don’t think I’ll be chowing down on a big steak any time soon ;-) But I did have a big piece of salmon last night for dinner.

Tomorrow hubby & I check out of Hope Lodge in Manhattan and head to Long Island to stay with family. Miss M will also be arriving tomorrow with Auntie L. Hooray!! Hubby and I are missing our little girl like crazy! I’ve got a follow-up appointment with the surgeon on Thursday. And then we’re scheduled to fly back to Ohio next weekend.

Until then, we plan on relaxing, enjoying our time together, getting out in the sunshine, taking some train rides with Miss M, and toodling around NY.

I’m still so happy with my decision to do surgery here in NY. To have such an amazing surgical team. To be in the comforts of my favorite city. To be close to family. I wouldn’t have done it any other way.

Thanks to everyone for your continued prayers, support, love, and assistance. I am so blessed to have such an amazing community of family and friends all over the world who have truly been there for me, hubby, and Miss M throughout this cancer journey. I love you all. And will forever be grateful.

Peace. -T

Making Peace With My New Normal

Posted by gracefulwomanwarrior in Gratitude & Abundance, Living With Cancer, Uncategorized

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My heart is fluttering. My heart is aching.

I am sitting on the Amtrak train heading to NY… Heading towards my next surgery (hubby and I check in at 8:30am tomorrow morning)… And heading away from my family, friends, and my darling Miss M. Sigh… I miss her already.

Miss M and I had a fabulous weekend in Massachusetts. Spending time with those we love… Playdates, sleepovers, nature walks, chit chat, lots of hugs & laughter, and some much needed time by the ocean…

Yesterday, she and I spent 2 hours at the beach just playing, running around, collecting sea glass & shells, and meditating on the ocean waves. I shed a few tears thinking about my mom. Feeling her presence around me. And I also felt a profound intuitive knowing that everything was going to be ok. The surgery. The recovery. The aftermath. The years ahead. It was the same knowing I felt on the beaches of Long Island in the weeks after my initial diagnosis back in 2011. Feeling the Universe’s support. A profound sense of peace and reassurance. An understanding and acceptance of the fight ahead and the ongoing struggle… But at the same time, a level of trust that the path will bring more good than bad. More beauty than pain.

I am learning to live with this disease. Learning to accept my new normal. Getting better at navigating the ups & downs. Better at finding the balance between the two worlds I live in – The “normal” world & the metastatic cancer world.

When people ask if I plan on maintaining my new complicated way of living (the diet, exercise regime, supplements, alternative therapies) for the rest of my life, the answer is always YES. It is my new normal. My medicine. And I’d much rather live this new complicated life than be forever popping pills and IV’ing pharmaceuticals with nasty side effects.

And it’s usually only when I travel, that I realize how complicated or different my new normal is compared to how everyone else lives. Especially when it comes to my diet. As my cousin puts it, “Your bad days are my good days.” This coming after I lamented the bloat & sluggishness i felt from indulging in multigrain tortilla chips and a glass of red wine.

This is the balancing act I face for the rest of my life. One foot in the normal world and one foot out. Going through my days like anyone else, yet forever hearing the reminder, deep inside me that I have a terminal illness lurking, stalking, ready to pounce, ready to take over at a moment’s notice. Forever carrying containers of supplements everywhere I go. Forever struggling to find restaurants where I can eat. Forever wondering if each ache & pain is something more serious. Forever anticipating the results of scans and blood work. Forever knowing that I must remain vigilant in my fight.

Yet, all that being said, i truly feel that cancer has brought me to a better place. I like the new person I am becoming. I feel more at peace, more grateful, more in love with life than I have in a long time. While I still would never call cancer a gift, I can see the gifts that cancer has brought me.

And it’s funny how when you’re able to see the gifts and lessons contained in life’s toughest moments, the world suddenly expands and your place in it becomes rich with possibility.

So here’s to life’s possibilities, uncovering gifts, and finding balance in an uncertain world.

I’ll try to write again as soon as I can after the surgery to let ya’ll know how it went.

Cheers. -T

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Making Peace With the Unknown

Posted by gracefulwomanwarrior in Gratitude & Abundance, Living With Cancer, Mastectomy & Reconstructive Surgery, Parenting With Cancer, Uncategorized
Nature walk at Harmony Farm

Nature walk at Harmony Farm

“When you are in tune with the unknown, the known is peaceful.”  - quote from my Yogi chai tea this morning

This has been one of the bigger lessons on my cancer journey – Accepting the unknown and releasing the urge to control.  In doing so, I have come to a greater sense of peace.  Both with the unknown and the known.

I know I have surgery in 9 days.  The plane tickets are booked.  The housing arranged (thanks to the Hope Lodge in Manhattan and my Aunt & Uncle on Long Island).  My support team is lined up – Hubby is taking off from work to be by my side, my Massachusetts team is taking over on “mom” duty with Miss M, and Grandpa is flying from Bowen Island to help out post-surgery.  I know my surgeon plans to use LMA sedation and remove my chemo port while he’s in there.  I know today is the first day I’ve been without blood thinners since October (which is thrilling & terrifying at the same time).  And tonight is my last round of vitamins & supplements until after the surgery.

I also recognize that all of these seemingly “known” pieces of my life can change in a flash.  So I keep taking it as it comes.  Preparing for the immediate task at hand.  Thinking about the future – but not carving it out in stone.

Instead of stressing or worrying about the surgery I’m just staying focused on today.  Focused on this week.  Focused on the joyous weekend we have ahead of us in Massachusetts with our favorite people…  Visiting, going to shows, having sleepovers.  Miss M is beyond excited.  Our daily countdown to Friday’s departure elicits a loud “yippee” and a megawatt smile from her each time we talk about it.

Lately, Miss M is talking more and more about her feelings.  Her concerns about the surgery.  Her hatred of the cancer.  Her fear about me dying.  I’m just so happy she’s sharing this stuff with me now.  I know it helps that I’m talking to her about everything much more openly now too.

Our new morning ritual is to answer a question from the fantastic 3-year journal of Q&A for kids that cousin J from Astoria sent us – (thanks again J!).   Each day Miss M and I eat breakfast and ponder our answers to that day’s question.

Yesterday’s question was:  What do you try to forget about but can’t?

Miss M’s Answer:  ”I don’t want to remember your cancer.”

Then a few days ago, during one of our kitchen dance parties Miss M started singing her own tune…  And I quote:

“Go away cancer…   We don’t like you cancer…  We fight you cancer”  Belting it out at the top of her lungs to some make-believe tune that she made up while we shook our booties all around the kitchen.  It was priceless.

Yes, she’s still clingy.  Yes, she still has tantrums.  Yes, she still drives me crazy.  And yes, I still worry about her.  But less and less so lately.  I am putting into practice a lot of the parenting advice everyone’s offered.  I am sticking to my guns.  Not letting guilt fuel me.  Trying not to baby Miss M or solve all her problems.  Talking openly about what’s going on.  Taking her to therapy.  Taking her to more of my medical appointments (I even brought her in for a reiki session with me at Harmony Farm because she was so curious).  So far, it seems to be working.  So thanks to each and everyone one of you for your suggestions.  I am listening.  And it is working.

I finally feel that life is heading in a positive direction.  For the first time in a really, really long time.

At Friday’s appointment with my Oncologist he actually used the word REMISSION!  And called me his ‘miracle patient’.  Damn that feels good!

And while i know there are no guarantees, I am much more in tune with the unknown these days, and it makes dealing with the every day dramas and “knowns” of life (like surgery) so much easier.

Peace.  - T

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Checking out the animals after the Easter egg hunt at a nearby church.

Checking out the animals after the Easter egg hunt at a nearby church.

The Elasticity of Time

Posted by gracefulwomanwarrior in Complimentary & Alternative Medicine, Gratitude & Abundance, Mastectomy & Reconstructive Surgery, Uncategorized
Outside the Neptune Diner on our wedding day - March 25, 2003

Outside the Neptune Diner on our wedding day – March 25, 2003

What a weird & emotional week it’s been.  Full of travel, sickness, milestones, pure joy, memories, and anniversaries…  To name a few.

Plus, I have now officially entered the “surgery prep” zone.

This morning I had my pre-surgery breast ultrasound…  In the exact same room that I found out I had breast cancer back in November 2011.  With the same technician.  She said she remembered me and asked how I was doing.   I still experienced the same nervous energy when she exited the room to consult with the doctor after the scan.  But today, unlike in 2011, the doctor did not come in the room when she returned.  Always a good sign.  This time the news is good.  My ultrasound does not show anything of concern.  Phewww…

Early last week I took a quick 24 hour trip to NY to meet with my plastic surgeon & my naturopath to discuss surgery prep and recovery.  My plastic surgeon assured me the procedure should be less severe than the last.   The surgery will be outpatient.  I will receive a “lighter” form of anesthesia   And I should be able to resume my normal activities much quicker.  My naturopath tweaked my diet and supplements.  Talked about my energy and stress levels.  And outlined her natural blood thinning strategy for post-surgery and beyond.

And now for the big news…  Drum roll please…  I finally get to stop taking Coumadin!!!!  Woohoo!

Friday I see my oncologist Dr. K to complete pre-surgery blood work and discuss my transition off blood thinners.  It’s been 6 months since they found the blood clot in my lung.  Of course going off Coumadin is both amazing and terrifying.  Every time I have problems breathing, a tickle in my throat, a cough that won’t let up, or a pain in my leg I wonder, “Is it that damn blood clot again?!?!”  But after surgery I will receive Heparin injections (another blood thinner).  And then start implementing my naturopath’s plan that I will stay on long-term.  So I’ll still be doing something to keep my blood levels in check.

The past week also brought with it two very joyful days…  Both revolving around anniversaries.

On Sunday Miss M and I went to the Dayton Ballet’s 75th Anniversary performance.  Miss M was transfixed (well, at least for the first 45 mins).  It was her first time at the ballet.  I watched her follow the dancers around the stage with her eyes.  And felt tears welling up in my own eyes as I thought of my mom and felt her presence around us.

I felt my mom’s energy strongly again yesterday – On my anniversary – When Hubby and I celebrated 10 years of marriage.  Wow!  A decade together already!

It was back in March 2003 that hubby and I sealed the deal in a two-minute civil ceremony at City Hall in Manhattan.  My mom & dad were the only guests.  Afterwards we dined at the Neptune Diner in Astoria – right under what was then the Astoria Blvd stop of the W & N trains.  I was 28.  Just back from teaching in Taiwan.  Working in advertising.  Submitting applications for grad school.  Hubby was a 26 year old illegal immigrant from Brazil with a sexy accent.  Driving a delivery truck during the day while attending college at night.

I’m pretty sure my family had its doubts about us.  But here we are.  Ten years later.

Our marriage has definitely had its ups & downs.  Hubby drives me crazy.  He pushes my buttons.  He calls me out on my shit.  And yet I love him.  When the chips are down he is there for me.  When I gain 30 lbs he still tells me I’m beautiful.  He accepts me for who I am & doesn’t try to change me.  When I’m diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer he assures me he isn’t going anywhere.

Time is such an elastic concept.  Expanding and contracting.  Abundant one day & scarce the next.  It can seem like forever and yet go by in a flash.  I can hardly believe I’ve been married for a whole decade…  That it’s been 16 months since I was diagnosed…  Almost 4 years since Miss M was born…  And almost 3 years since my mom died…

Where does the time go?

It is yet another reminder to enjoy the present moment.  Live fully.  Waste no time.  Dive in.  Don’t hold back.  Because time waits for no one.

Peace.  - T

At the alter

At the alter.

Waiting our turn at city hall.

Waiting our turn at city hall.

Here We Go Again…

Posted by gracefulwomanwarrior in Living With Cancer, Parenting With Cancer, Uncategorized
Family fun at Charleston Falls Park

Family fun at Charleston Falls Park

Another major medical procedure is drawing near and Miss M is totally starting to freak out.

She has become a little leach – stuck to me, attached and unwilling to let go.  I can’t go to the bathroom, leave the room, take a shower or make a phone call.  Her tantrums are out of control.  Anger.  Fear.  Sadness.  Worry.  It’s all there – in her precious little 3 year old self.

I don’t blame her one bit.  It’s hard enough processing everything as a 38 year-old with some life experience, let alone as a fresh faced pre-schooler.  This is hard on everyone.  I get it.  Cancer sucks.  And we’re all a little angry and fearful and sad and worried.

But it’s so damn hard dealing with her out of control behavior.  And not knowing what to do about it.  The other day we were stuck on the side of the road for 45 mins while she just screamed & yelled & cried and refused to get in her car seat.  And of course I can’t physically gain control in these situations because every move she makes has me immediately sheilding my chest – scared she’s gonna break my breast expander or dislodge my medi-port.  So what do i do?  I just sit there.  I sit there and listen to her scream and cry and wail and whimper and spit up all over herself.  And I wait for it to end.  I don’t know what else to do.

I realize these extreme moments mostly happen when she’s tired or hungry.  (Isn’t that always the way?)   Plus, right now we’re transitioning into the “no more naps” stage, which I’m sure isn’t helping matters.  Nor did the recent time change.

I also know she’s pissed that i’m going to New York without her on Monday.  When I told her she immediately asked if she was going too and looked heartbroken when I told her no.  How do I explain to her that it costs a lot of money to keep flying us both out?  That i don’t want her to keep missing school?  That sometimes it’s easier to go to my appointments without her?

What’s a mom to do?

I know her feelings are very close to the surface.  She’s trying to process what’s going on and what’s about to happen.  And on the flip side of things, she just started telling me over and over again, throughout the day, that she loves me.  ”Mamae…  I love you.”  Over and over.  At random moments.  It’s so damn adorable.  I love her too.  So so much.

Thank god for therapy – hers AND mine.  Miss M’s therapist (also a fellow social worker) is amazing.  And Miss M feels totally comfortable talking to her about stuff.  It’s great.  Apparently Miss M spoke about her worries that I was going to die…  Her fears about the pain I might have in surgery…  And her questioning if we’re still keeping secrets from her.  The two of them are brainstorming ways Miss M can help me after surgery…   Bringing me water…  Laying down & reading books with me…  Giving me hugs & kisses…   And they talk about ways for her to vent her frustrations…  By hitting her pillow or stomping her feet.

Thank god she’s talking about this stuff with someone.

Hubby says I just need to give her extra love right now.  Which makes sense.  So I’m trying.  More focused attention.  More play time.  More hugs & cuddles.

I swear, being a parent is by far the most difficult thing I’ve had to face in this life.  (Well, ok – facing breast cancer is up there on the list too).  I remember my mom always telling me I was her biggest teacher.  I get it now.  I understand mom.

And that’s all I can do…   Try my best to understand…   And then remember often times there is no answer.  No understanding why.  It just is what it is.  Nothing more.  And you gotta just deal with it.

You can’t control the hand that you are dealt, but you can choose how to play it.  And sometimes, if you play your cards right, you can even win the game with a really shitty hand.

Peace.  -T

My silly goose!

My silly goose!

A little QT with Miss M at Wegerzyn Gardens MetroPark

A little QT with Miss M at Wegerzyn Gardens MetroPark

So Now What?

Posted by gracefulwomanwarrior in Death & Dying, Gratitude & Abundance, Living With Cancer, Uncategorized
The great big sky

The great big Ohio sky

So now what?  I find myself asking that question a lot lately.

I’m feeling better – so now what?  I’ve gotten rid of the cancer – so now what?  All major crises are temporarily diverted – so now what?

Even though I’m in the midst of figuring out logistics for my next surgery (now set for April 10th) and my treatment is technically not complete yet, I feel different.  Like I’m ready to step into my new life.  Start the next chapter.

Finding out that my cancer is gone is of course a major catalyst in my new zest for life.  For the last year I refused to commit…  To people.  To plans.  To projects.  My vigilant focus on remaining in the moment kept me sane.  It helped me stay away from dwelling on the uncertainty of my future or the possibility of my own death.  It helped me conserve energy for the fight.  But it also stopped me from living a life outside of cancer.

Now I feel free to consider life beyond the moment.  To make plans for my future.  To make commitments to causes and projects I once believed in.  To take steps towards creating an inspired life.  A life worth living for.

I recently joined forces with some local social workers – to offer my own social work experience and knowledge and help them birth a promising new non-profit…   I signed up for Marie Forleo‘s B-School with the hopes of gaining some clarity about my own career…   I’m entertaining the thought of writing professionally…  I’m using therapy sessions to explore my passions…  I’m starting to believe that it is possible to make a living doing something you totally love.

The whole process is fascinating now because I feel like a different person.  Having breast cancer and facing death changed me.  Better yet, I chose to change.  I refused to allow this horrific experience to break me.  Instead, it infused me with a new drive to live.  It awakened me to the infinite possibilities contained in living.  It is driving me to live the best life possible.  Reconnecting me with my authentic self.  And arming with new-found strength, inspiration, and self-awareness that I know will enable me to give back to the world in a way I wasn’t capable of doing before.  It’s all so exciting!

I have found that there are many ways to respond to life’s horrors.  And I have tried quite a few over the years…  From deep denial and numbing myself with drugs after being raped at age 21…  To pushing down my feelings and running on pure fumes after my mom died in 2010…  But this time, I decided to try something new.  I elected to face the horror head on.  To feel the terror and still go on with life.  To take the difficult steps necessary to transform myself from within.  And actively try each day to use the horror as a lesson on living.

For all of you out there facing your own personal horrors…  You can make it through.

Ask for help…  Search within…  Love yourself…  Face your demons…  Make peace with the struggle…  Seek to discover why the horror has come to you…   Ask “So what now?”…  Then use the journey as a starting point for a new way of living.

Peace.  - T