Dear Mamรฃe

Dear Mamรฃe,
I miss you so much. I miss you every day and I love you. And I want you back. You were everything to me. You were the one that made me๐ŸŒˆ. I wish you were here making newย memories. The old memories are fine with me right now. The most important thing is that I was with you๐Ÿ’ฉ โค๏ธ๐Ÿ’”โค๏ธ๐Ÿ’›๐Ÿ’š๐Ÿ’™๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿ’ž๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’—๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ’˜๐Ÿ’“โ˜ฎโœโœก๐Ÿ›โ˜ช๐ŸŒˆ๐ŸŒƒ๐ŸŒ‰๐ŸŒ„๐ŸŒ…๐ŸŒ‡๐ŸŒ†๐Ÿ๐Ÿ–๐ŸŽ‡๐ŸŒ ๐ŸŒŒ๐Ÿœ๐ŸŸ๐Ÿฏ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿฐ๐Ÿ—ฝ๐Ÿ—ฝ๐Ÿ—ฝ๐Ÿ—ฝ๐Ÿ—ฝ๐Ÿ—ฝ๐Ÿ—ฝ๐Ÿ—ฝ๐Ÿ—ฝ๐Ÿ—ฝ๐Ÿ—ฝ๐Ÿ—ฝ๐Ÿ—ฝ๐Ÿ—ฝ๐Ÿ—ฝ๐Ÿ—ฝ๐Ÿ—ฝ๐Ÿ—ฝ๐Ÿ—ฝ๐Ÿ—ฝ๐Ÿ—ฝ๐Ÿ—ฝ๐Ÿ—ฝ๐Ÿ—ฝ๐Ÿ—ฝ๐Ÿ—ฝ๐Ÿ—ฝ๐Ÿ—ฝ๐Ÿ—ฝ๐ŸŒˆ๐ŸŒˆ๐ŸŒˆ๐ŸŒˆ๐ŸŒˆ๐ŸŒˆ๐ŸŒˆ๐ŸŒˆ๐ŸŒˆ๐ŸŒˆ๐ŸŒˆ๐ŸŒˆ๐ŸŒˆ

Miss M dictated this to me last night. Throughout the holiday Mamรฃe was ever present but the rawness of missing her was not readily apparent. But it certainly was last night…

Lying in bed she began to cry.

“I miss Mamรฃe. I miss her every day…”

“I know my love. I miss her too.”

The crying intensified as she railed against the unfairness. As she spoke what was in her heart she talked about her memories. I shined my phone on each and every picture that adorn every surface of her room asking her to tell me their stories. As she embraced each memory, the crying lessened. I asked if she wanted to blog, that that’s what helps me to feel better when I am missing Mamรฃe and she said no, she wanted to really talk to Mamรฃe.

“Then let’s write her a letter.”

“Ok,” she said shakily.

“Do you want to write it or do you want me to?”

“You.”

So she poured out her heart and soul and I did my best to keep up with her, frantically typing into my phone. When she was done I went to add a heart emoji but hit the poop emoji instead. Our eyes locked with a twinkle and we both giggled through our tears as we said how Mamรฃe was totally laughing in heaven. She grabbed the phone and excitedly added one emoji after another.

When she was done I asked how she wanted to share it with Mamรฃe.

“Let’s send it in the ocean.”

I said I’d print it in the morning and we could go to the beach after school. I hit the share button to email it to myself.

“Hey, do you want to email it to Mamรฃe’s email?” I asked.

Her eyes lit up as she nodded her head. I could feel the heaviness in the room dissolve into the heavens along with the “whoosh” sound signaling her message was on its way to Mamรฃe.

After printing the letter this morning I went to the window to start my car. A fox was making her way out of my yard and crossing the street.

“Marisa come here quick!!! Look! A fox!”

We stood at the window and the fox stopped, turned, and stared straight at us. After a few seconds she trotted into the woods. I told Miss M about the blog post her Mamรฃe had written about missing Nana Canada and that she had seen a fox that same day and knew it was her Mom.

A smile spread across her face. “That was Mamรฃe wasn’t it?”

I nodded and she grabbed me in a tight squeeze. “You can put my letter on the blog.”

So here it is.

I hope it elicits the same feeling of hope and healing within the darkness as it did Miss M and I.

Love,

Aunty L
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12 Responses

  1. Thinking of you and Miss M…wonderful that her memories are present and talks about them๐Ÿ˜‡..not always easy and you never know when..sending hugs Laurie๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ™

  2. How precious and emotional โœจ๐Ÿ˜ขshe is so fortunate to have your continual love,support,and ongoing presence in her life..to her ,you,her mom,and all those emojis..โœจ๐ŸŒŠ๐ŸŒˆ๐ŸŽถ๐ŸŽตโš“๏ธ๐Ÿ”ฎโœ๏ธ๐Ÿ’Ÿโ˜ช๏ธโ˜ฎ๏ธBless you all!!

  3. Terri, and now you, have been such an important part of my journey down this same path. I found strength in Terri and comfort in you. I can only hope that my children that are the same age, are blessed with someone like you when the time comes. Thank you and miss m for sharing.

    • Thank you so much Jennifer. You, and your hopes for your children are exactly why I have continued this blog. It gives me, Miss M, you and hopefully many others a place to “be together”, to share our pain as well as our triumphs through this crazy thing called life. And death… Love and light being sent your way.

  4. Oh my, this time of year seems to hold so much connection. Today is the day I lost my own Mamae 15 years ago, but there are still days when I think the same thoughts Miss M is thinking. I must say, she expresses them better than I do! I woke this morning to read Miss M’s message to Terri with tears and love. It’s a wonderful thing that she has her Aunties and the rest of the family there to help navigate these days. Hugs to you all.

    • Thank you for sharing Stevie. As we all processed Miss M’s ongoing grief journey last night, yours especially helped Heron to see that our journeys are truly timeless. And that by “joining our stories” we help each other manage our own…

  5. Losing your mama is always hard.I was thinking that it was easier for me because I had my mama for so many more years than Miss M did,but i’m not sure that’s true.It’s just easier to understand.All mamas eventually leave us,and it’s always hard.Miss M has her father,aunties and grandfather to share memories of mamae with her,and so she will know her as she grows.Her mamae and nana will always be with her.

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