Our grief is shifting…
Especially Miss M’s.
In and out. Ebbing and flowing. Deeper and darker, (if that’s even possible), than it has since our Warrior took her leave-taking just over two years ago.
Sometimes if feels as if Miss M is being swept away by a fierce undertow of anguish. And sorrow. It literally creeps up on her, seemingly out of nowhere, latching on with such a vengeance, it leaves all of us flailing and thrashing, to and fro, desperate to rescue her. Without drowning ourselves…
You see she’s finally grocking that death is permanent. It’s irrefutable. Her steadfast magical thinking lifejacket is losing its buoyancy. It couldn’t hold her up through the harsh reality that Mamãe can’t actually write a “real” letter back to her from heaven. And it also couldn’t answer her tearful question, “But why did God have to make diseases?”
Luckily, her loving, stalwart, coast guard fleet were at the ready. All hands were/are on deck.
I truly can’t express how deeply grateful we are to the inner circle of family and friends who surround and hold our girl (and each other) through the painful grief, allowing us to reemerge and breathe in the sweet, clean air of life and love.
And so today, Miss M and I released yet another letter to Mamãe in heaven. And in her own way, our beloved Terri Luanna answered…
Driving to Mamãe’s favorite beach, armed with her letter attached to a balloon rainbow, Miss M and I were poised to set the mood through just the right Pandora station (which also happens to be THE way Terri and her mother, Jeanne “write” to me). Unfortunately, my radio absolutely refused to cooperate. No matter how many times I turned that damn thing on and off (or how hard I jabbed the play button!) Pandora would. Not. Work.
Miss M kept insisting I play the song, Mercy, by Shawn “Mayonnaise” (Mendez). Over and over… Irregardless of the fact that PANDORA WAS NOT WORKING, and I don’t even have that song in my iTunes.
No, that did not stop my single-minded great niece. She kept asking for it over and over! I finally got the IPOD function to work, so we settled on the score from, Pup Star, her favorite movie about a dog and her little girl (whose Mom died…)
As I pulled up to Round Hill Beach, I silently said a prayer to Terri, “Please honey, give us a sign…”
When we got back in the car, lo and behold, Pandora miraculously started working!
“Put it on the Shawn Mayonnaise station!!” she yelled.
So I did.
As I turned to back up, the name of the next song flashed on the dashboard.
Mercy… By Shawn “Mayonnaise”…