Living with a terminal illness ain’t easy.
My health really took a nosedive the last few months…
My energy was zapped. My mobility was compromised. The pain was never ending. My arm was completely swollen and non-functioning. I spent hours sitting in my living room staring out the window and feeling sorry for myself. Wishing I had the ability to take a long walk, or play with my daughter, or make a meal, or do anything except feel like crap.
I really wanted to be that person that could heal themselves without pharmaceuticals. But I realize now that a rigid attachment to alternative and holistic healing and disdain for Western medicine is not the answer. Keeping an open mind at all times is key. It is yet another reminder of how unique each person’s journey is with cancer. It’s not fair to compare. And I am realizing what works best for me is a combination of Eastern AND Western approaches. It is what put me into remission the first time. And I am praying that the combination will get things under control again this time.
I’ve been on the new chemo regime (Xeloda and Tykerb) for almost a month now. So far so good. I can feel some of the tumors actually shrinking… My tumor marker number is going back down… I’ve been able to slow down on the pain meds… And I swear my energy level is back on the rise again… Or maybe that’s just my spirit being restored…
Because it seems every time I’m feeling beat down. Ready to give up. Tired of fighting the fight. The universe intervenes and bring something or someone my way to turn it around.
This time my spirit was restored in so many ways by so many people. Including all of you… All the comments, suggestions, pep talks, good energy, and prayers bring me such comfort and pull me out of the bad place that my mind often takes me to.
Plus, I truly have the most AMAZING group of family and friends.
Auntie ‘Cole spent much of the last month out here in Connecticut… Taking care of me and my family… Driving me to appointments… Loving me through tears, fears, and frustrations… Lifting my spirits… And helping me laugh again.
My Massachusetts family continues to rally around me and offer endless amounts of love, support, and help with Miss M.
Plus I have fabulous neighbors who invite us over for meals, bring us fresh veggies from their garden, and offer to take Miss M off my hands when I need a break.
And my in-laws who spent the entire summer here – cooking delicious meals, doing laundry, fixing up the house, passing out plenty of hugs, and watching Marisa when I had to go to appointments. I can’t believe it’s almost time for them to go. In one more week they will be on a plane, on their way back to Brazil. I’m getting sad just thinking about it.
But I think what really gave me the extra boost I needed to start fighting again was being the recipient of the blowout fundraiser in Dartmouth Massachusetts a few weekends ago. And it wasn’t even about the money that was raised (even though it was VERY much needed and appreciated)… The boost came from all the people that were there. The loving energy. The fun times that were had by all. The music. The laughter. The chance to engage with hundreds of fabulous people. To catch up with old friends and make new ones. Being a part of that was extraordinary. And I left that weekend feeling energized. Feeling my inner warrior come alive again. Feeling blessed. And full of gratitude.
So a big THANK YOU to everyone that made the blowout a reality – the organizers, the volunteers, the musicians, the cooks and servers, the facepainting team, everyone who donated to the auction, who bought tickets, all those who came out to celebrate the day with me, and of course all the family and friends who nominated me and made this year’s blowout one of the best ever! Next year I plan to return as a volunteer.
And this is how it goes… Every time I’m at my lowest, exhausted, and ready to give up the universe finds a way to lift me back up again. To show me the joy in living. And give me the strength I need to continue this journey.
Beyond anything else that I am doing, I know it is this love that carries me through and keeps me alive.
Thank you everyone! Happy days are here again!