The time has come! I am reclaiming my life! Somewhere along the way over the last five years I seemed to have lost myself. Forgotten who I was. What I believed in. What I’m passionate about.
An old friend was visiting last week and commented on how different I was from other small town suburban moms near her who had no idea what was going on in rest of the world, never followed current events, and couldn’t hold down an intelligent conversation. I said nothing but realized I was no longer the person she remembered me as. I had become one of “those moms”… And I asked myself – What happened to the person who used read the NY Times each morning? The one who used to attend political rallies and protests? The one who dreamed of joining the peace corps? Who traveled the world? Where did she go???
So I am on a quest to find myself and reclaim my life.
And I took a major step towards this goal last week… I went and bought myself a round-trip ticket to Europe to go on a spiritual healing pilgrimage. Hell yeah!! I am SO EXCITED!!!!
In less than two months I’ll be heading to Portugal, France, and Italy for an 8 day solo journey to three different healing sites; Fatima, Lourdes, and San Giovanni Rotondo (to get me some more Padre Pio healing oil). And I’m taking a few days in Venice too. I’m going in with no expectations, no attachments… Just wonder and joy and curiosity.
Booking these tickets was such a huge step for me. Being away from my precious 4 year old… Stepping away from my role as mom, wife, daughter, household manager, and cancer patient… Until last week taking an international trip by myself seemed like an impossible dream. My “roles” in life have come to define me and take on some weird supernatural importance. I questioned how everyone would survive without me. And then I realized my role as mom, wife, daughter, and cancer patient had become more important than my own life, my interests, my passions, my dreams. How did that happen? When did this happen??
It seems I just kept putting everything and everyone else before myself until one day I looked up and realized I didn’t know who I was anymore. And I know I’m not alone in this. Us cancer patients seem to show a propensity for these behaviors. They call it the ‘Type C Personality’ and I’ve written about it before on the blog here.
But I realize things have to change. My life has to change. This last five year chapter has been tremendously tough and yet I can’t seem to move forward. I feel stuck. Trapped. Overwhelmed. And at the same time excited because I know I’m on the brink of something utterly fabulous. I just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other until I get there.
So I will.
I will travel. I will dance. I will read. I will write. I will laugh. I will spend more time with my favorite people just like I did last weekend at our housewarming party (thanks to everyone who came out! It was great to see you!). I will live for myself and not just for others. I will try new things. I will indulge in a glass of wine and an extra piece of chocolate. I will have more fun!
I’m in the midst of reading Anita Moorjani‘s book Dying To Be Me where she recounts her near death experience from cancer and how the experience brought her back to life and ultimately healed her. It’s an amazing and thought provoking book. Her reminders about unconditional love, seeing the world through fresh eyes, and living your truth reinforce my own beliefs and reconnect me to the some of the fundamental tenants of living fully and without fear. The book also reminds me of the power of the mind, the possibility of miracles, and the importance of connecting with spirit. I’m sure it’s no coincidence that I am reading this now as I struggle to reclaim my life and embark on my own spiritual journey.
And I think i’ve decided I need the help of a life coach to round-out my healing team. I spend so much time in my head, intellectualizing & philosophizing and I think I need someone who can pull me out of my head and root me in the present and push me to take action. So if you know of any fabulously brilliant and effective life coaches please email me at: firstname.lastname@example.org and let me know.
Also fee free to tell me about any spots in Europe that I simply cannot miss out on. (I’ll be going to Lisbon, southwest France, Rome, Venice, and Milan.)
In the meantime I’ll just keep putting one foot in front of the other and trust that eventually I’ll reach that utterly fabulous place that I know is just around the corner.
Or could it be that I’ve already reached it???
Peace. – T