It’s definitely been an insane couple of weeks… Ups and downs… Pain and joy… A little bit of everything. I guess that’s life, eh?
On a high note, I am absolutely LOVING our new home in Connecticut. We’re slowly settling in. Finally unpacking the last few boxes. Making this house our home. Getting to know the neighbours (who are lovely). Bicycling down to the beach. Getting used to the oceanside weather.
People thought I was crazy to let hubby put an offer in on this house sight unseen. But I know my man. I know he has good taste. I know he understands what’s important to Miss M and I. I trust him. And he knocked the ball right outta the park. This little seaside home is truly our little piece of heaven.
On a slightly lower note… I’ve been in some serious pain the last few weeks. From a dull ache in my left arm, through some major cricks in my neck, pains in my shoulder and breast, and lots of swelling. Ugh! Originally I’d assumed it was just from the stress of the move or sleeping the wrong way. But when it persisted I started to get worried.
Luckily I had two doctors appointments on the calendar last week. The first with my plastic surgeon in NYC who said I looked fantastic and that the swelling was likely related to the blood clot and not the surgery or overexertion. We measured my arms. Confirmed the swelling. And agreed I needed to speak with an oncologist.
Fortunately, three days later I was scheduled to meet with my next potential oncologist. Dr. H. Oncologist #2. With Oncologist #1 being such a disaster, I was praying this one would be better. And thank god she was.
Dr. H was gentle, calm, knowledgeable, and kind. She respected my choices and my time. She had read my file before our appointment so I didn’t have to waste time telling my whole story again. And she agreed with my plastic surgeon that it was probably an unresolved blood clot in my arm that was causing all the drama. She told me Coumadin doesn’t work with all cancer patients and switched me to a new injectable blood thinner: Arixtra. It’s been three days since I started the new meds and I swear the swelling and redness and pain is getting better. Hallelujah!
But I’m still thinking, “What the hell is this blood clot situation all about? Why does it keep coming back?”
My darling Louise Hay (who now has an app for finding the underlying roots of physical symptoms) says it’s all about “closing down the flow of joy”. And my nutritionist too suggested I try to figure out “what is blocking my flow”. So I am trying to dig deep and figure out the answers, find my flow, and open up to joy. And I will speak more to these questions in my next post on our other blog – Be Your Truth Pact – in the coming week. So stay posted.
But for starters, I’m tackling items on my bucket list and getting back to my social work roots. I signed up for piano lessons and next week I start a training course with the Prison Mindfulness Institute. They bring meditation and mindfulness practices (including yoga!) to local prisons in order to help prisoners grow, transform, and heal. It’s not a full-time social work job – but it’s a start. I’m also joining Bernie Siegel’s famed ECaP support group (which I’m over-the-moon excited about). So lots of good things on the horizon.
But of course the recent health issues took hubby and I back down the path of fear. Realizing how quickly things can take a turn for the worse. Thinking about the possibility of chemo again, or even death. Reminding us how important it is to prioritize self-care. So we agreed I need to take a little time-out from all my trips and traveling. Just stay put for a while. Batten down the hatches. Get settled in to our new life here. Get back into a routine. Back into juicing, exercising, meditating, resting, nesting, and finding more balance.
Which means, unfortunately, that I have to cancel trips to NY (including my Gestalt psychoanalytic program plans and my cousin’s husband’s next gallery showing in Chelsea with its kickin’ afterparty)… Plus a long over-due trip to Bowen that I’ll have to postpone. Sigh… Such is life.
The other thing I continue to do is analyze my dreams. I believe our dreams are a window to our soul and subconscious. (And since we operate close to 80% of the time from the subconscious I figure it’s important to get in touch with what’s going on in there). My dreams this week all involved difficult or horrible situations that I was able to overcome (getting my car unstuck from the sand… rebuilding a brand new kitchen in a burned down house… and successfully kicking out home invaders). My subconscious seems to be telling me that life is gonna be tough but I will overcome. Which is exactly what I’ve always felt deep in my soul. From the time I was diagnosed. That this is one crazy difficult road to go down… But it won’t kill me. Not yet anyway. Not for a long time.
It ain’t gonna be easy. But I’m up for the challenge.
Peace. – T