We made it to Connecticut! Hooray!
Miss M and I are settling into our temporary home at the hotel with hubby. It’s not so bad living in a hotel (free breakfast, swimming pool, maid service). But I’m itching to get into our actual home with our belongings organized and all my kitchen stuff at my fingertips. Looks like it’ll be a couple more weeks before that happens. So in the meantime Miss M and I are spending our days with family and friends, having fun at the beach, planning trips to Sesame Place & Provincetown, celebrating birthdays, and exploring our new neck of the woods. And I have to say our new neck of the woods is pretty fantastic – ocean beaches, seaside towns, acupuncture clinics and health-food stores. I’m loving it!
But as I start my search for a new oncologist I’m really missing my old one – Dr. K. He was such a gift – open minded, encouraging, humble, and kind. A truly great man and doctor. It’s gonna be hard to find someone as amazing as him but I will look far & wide to find the right doctor to continue this journey with me.
Because for metastatic cancer patients in particular, finding the right doctor is a serious issue. We have an ongoing, life-long connection to our doctors. They become a part of our lives. How we feel about them and how we feel when we’re with them is integral to our health on every level.
This week I had an appointment with potential oncologist #1. Unfortunately, the visit didn’t go so well (for me at least). I felt like we were coming from two opposing philosophical standpoints. The connection wasn’t there. And I didn’t feel good when I was with her. So I’m moving on. Continuing the search. Still looking for the right doctor.
I left the appointment with doubt and fear coursing through my veins, chipping away at my confidence and hope. Questioning everything. Am I naive to think I can be the 1-2% who are “cured” and show no evidence of disease for the rest of my life?? What if something does show up on one of my scans? Am I willing to do more chemo or Herceptin or drug treatment? Am I digging my head in the sand because I don’t like to dwell on the fact that most metastatic patients, like me, are in treatment for the rest of their lives?
After some tears, family hugs, and a few glasses of wine I am pushing the fear away and trying to step back into a place of hope, faith, and positivity. You know what? Fuck the haters! Fuck the doubters! Who says I can’t be the 1%??
Look, I know the stats. I know the odds aren’t in my favour. But doesn’t that give me even more reason to take a chance? To experiment? To go against the grain? What have I got to loose? Either way I could be dead in 2 years. Personally, I’d rather enjoy the time I have left, here and now, focusing on my whole self, healing my life naturally and not spend it at doctors appointments and dealing with potentially life threatening treatment side effects. I want to truly live – fully, with gusto, and my whits about me. That’s the way my mom did it. And I respect her for that – Big time!
I am realizing again and again how difficult it is to be a patient who charts their own course. Conventional doctors want to treat me with surgery and pharmaceuticals. And even though I’ve agreed to go down that road before, I’m not sure I will go down it again. I need a team that respects my decisions and recognizes that I am not choosing my path blindly.
I would also love to connect with other cancer patients out there who are choosing to chart a different path. Who question cookie-cutter treatment options and refuse to blindly trust and follow everything their doctor tells them. Right now I feel so all alone. I could really use some reassurance and understanding from someone else who has walked this road too.
Regardless, I vow to not let the haters get me down. I vow to surround myself with positive and helpful healing allies. I vow to honour my intuition and make choices based on what feels right to me. I vow to live my life to its fullest. I vow to be a force for good in this world.
And I will keep repeating my mantra with each breath I take… Healing energy in… Cancer and fear out…