The da Silvas have returned from a glorious week in Mexico! We had a heavenly time. Spent every day at the beach… Playing in the sand… Swimming with the fish… Listening to the intoxicating rhythm of the ocean waves… Just doing a lot of nothing. It was just what the family needed.
On our last night there I took a walk along the beach after dark. The sky was lit up with stars and I had the whole beach to myself. As I walked I noticed how different the ocean looked at night… No longer tranquil and welcoming… The darkness made the water ominous and I felt a bit anxious and afraid. I cut my walk short and returned to our room.
I think so much in life can be terrifying when we’re in the dark. I guess that’s why we try to plan, control, and manipulate things as much as possible. Believing this will remove some of the unknown. Lessen the fear. But in truth, we can plan all we want but life will continue to throw unexpected curve balls. After all that I’ve been through in the last 3 years I now realize this more than ever.
It also casts my recent scan success in a different light. Yes, I am overjoyed about the news of my cleans scans… But I still recognize that the future is unknown. That life may throw me another curve ball. That my scans may not always be clean. The cancer can come back. And my journey is far from over.
Miss M tells her therapist that she thinks we’re keeping secrets from her about my cancer. If I’m cancer free now, she wonders, why do I still have so many doctor’s appointments? Although I wish my cancer saga ended with the results of those last scans, that is not the reality.
Today I made calls to start organizing the next piece of my journey. I scheduled my next reconstructive breast surgery for April. I confirmed with my oncologist that it is ok to remove the port in my chest when I go in for surgery. I made an appointment for the end of February with a new holistic cancer team in New York.
The saga continues.
And although the future is still unknown, these days I feel like I am better at dealing with whatever comes my way. My journey with cancer has brought me to a better place internally. I am a different person now. More grounded. More present. More easygoing. Less controlling. Better able to deal with life’s difficulties. And fully aware of my blessings and the beauty of my life.
I continually seek to acknowledge the dark places, the fear, and the unknown… But then keep on walking forward – refusing to let fear hold me back from exploring all that is in front of me.
Much love to all… – T