Keep On Walking

Miss M beach side viewThe da Silvas have returned from a glorious week in Mexico!   We had a heavenly time.  Spent every day at the beach…  Playing in the sand…  Swimming with the fish…  Listening to the intoxicating rhythm of the ocean waves…   Just doing a lot of nothing.  It was just what the family needed.

On our last night there I took a walk along the beach after dark.  The sky was lit up with stars and I had the whole beach to myself.  As I walked I noticed how different the ocean looked at night…  No longer tranquil and welcoming…  The darkness made the water ominous and I felt a bit anxious and afraid.  I cut my walk short and returned to our room.

I think so much in life can be terrifying when we’re in the dark.  I guess that’s why we try to plan, control, and manipulate things as much as possible.  Believing this will remove some of the unknown.  Lessen the fear.  But in truth, we can plan all we want but life will continue to throw unexpected curve balls.  After all that I’ve been through in the last 3 years I now realize this more than ever.

It also casts my recent scan success in a different light.  Yes, I am overjoyed about the news of my cleans scans…  But I still recognize that the future is unknown.  That life may throw me another curve ball.  That my scans may not always be clean.  The cancer can come back.  And my journey is far from over.

Miss M tells her therapist that she thinks we’re keeping secrets from her about my cancer.  If I’m cancer free now, she wonders, why do I still have so many doctor’s appointments?  Although I wish my cancer saga ended with the results of those last scans, that is not the reality.

Today I made calls to start organizing the next piece of my journey.  I scheduled my next reconstructive breast surgery for April.  I confirmed with my oncologist that it is ok to remove the port in my chest when I go in for surgery.   I made an appointment for the end of February with a new holistic cancer team in New York.

The saga continues.

And although the future is still unknown, these days I feel like I am better at dealing with whatever comes my way.  My journey with cancer has brought me to a better place internally.  I am a different person now.  More grounded.  More present.  More easygoing.  Less controlling.  Better able to deal with life’s difficulties.  And fully aware of my blessings and the beauty of my life.

I continually seek to acknowledge the dark places, the fear, and the unknown…   But then keep on walking forward – refusing to let fear hold me back from exploring all that is in front of me.

Much love to all…   – T

palms on the beachMe & Miss M beach

???????????????????????????????

14 Responses

  1. Looking fab in that bikini girl!!!!
    So glad ALL of you got to taste a big piece of heaven-you certainly earned it…
    As for your continued sage advice to all of us- deep gratitude and keep it coming.
    Love you, Laurie

  2. Gorgeous pics Terri. We’re off to Mexico in Aug and seeing these make me so excited! Poignant post too. We just never know and it’s good for me to remember that.

  3. Amazing pictures accompanied by much wisdom. The Now ™ is roomy — happy that you are making yourself at home in it — it doesn’t require you to build walls against the past or future, — just remind them that jumping the queue is frowned upon, if they seem to be getting antsy or pushy…

    Happy Valentine’s Day (tomorrow) — the wish is in the Now ™, even if the Day isn’t quite here yet!

    Much love to you all,

    John

  4. So glad you all had a wonderful time in Mexico. Walking the beach at night in the dark was interesting. I have had a similar experience. Ever heard the expression “I’m too blessed to be stressed”. I say it to myself often, and when I read your journey, I know it is true! Hope we get to meet sometime. Love and hugs and Happy Valentine’s Day. Sonja

  5. admire your courage and wisdom. taking the alternative healing path is not easy. have you ever heard about “walking qigong”? It can beat cancer.

    • I’ve heard of walking qigong but not fully looked into it yet. Thanks for the reminder. I imagine it is similar to walking meditation. I do want to incorporate something like this into my regular routine. I’ll check it out. Thanks.

  6. totally an inspiration. your blog, and blogs like yours have been tremendously helpful to me, diagnosed in dec. have had 3 surgeries in order to clear margins — started blog as way to hopefully be of help to someone out there also — breastcancerrookie.blogspot.com. all the best to you and your family! i will keep you in my prayers — katy

    • Thanks Katy. Just checked out your blog… Love that funky writing style! Couldn’t believe what you wrote about that young girl – only 16 years old – at your daughter’s school who was diagnosed too! This disease is insane! Wishing you lots of luck and strength in your journey. – T

  7. search “guolin qigong” and you will find more info. thousands and thousands patients in china got totally recovered after given up by the doctor. I started learning and practising since last august and benefit a lot. by the way,have you tried bugwig diet?

  8. me again.:-) just wanted to thank you for sharing your journey. I am still under the conventional treatment,but the road you are taking is what I always wanted to take. You did give me a lot encouragement. Thank you!

    • You’re very welcome. I’m glad my journey is helpful. I’ll tell you it is much simpler and easier to follow conventional treatment. I still face resistance and incredulity from so many people about the path I am choosing to take. But it feels right to me. And one thing I’ve learned is that you have to trust your instincts. Still though, it’s hard to keep defending myself and my choices to the world…
      I have heard of the Budwig diet… Haven’t tried it yet (mostly because as a vegan I don’t eat cottage cheese)… But I am intrigued. I’ve met a few people with metastatic disease who are doing really well on the Budwig protocol.
      Thanks again for the tips. Wishing you strength and good healing energy on your journey. – T

      • Totally agree with you,it is much harder to take the alternative route. But we need to get ourselves cured no matter what. Following the conventional treatment 100%,then the statistics will work 100%.
        If you are interested in qigong and there is anything that I may be able to help,please let me know.

Leave a Reply