Hubby, Miss M, and I at the Hope Lodge in NYC for our first visit together – 1 week post surgery.
Photo credit: Eryka Peskin

Miss M is a hot mess these days.  She is angry.  She is acting out.  She is fussier than I’ve ever seen her.  She is yelling & screaming.  She is throwing things.  She is glued to my side.  She is constantly crying.  She is going through a lot.

Hubby and I naturally assume the acting out is related to my absence while I was getting surgery (we were apart for almost 10 days – I know, it doesn’t seem like much – but when you’re a stay-at-home-mom who is with your kid 24/7 even a few days can seem like forever).  She knows I was at the doctor while I was away from her.  She knows that I have some serious “boo boos”.

The few times she’s been able to articulate why she’s so mad she’s said, “Because mommy goes to the doctor a lot”.  It just breaks my heart.

And we really don’t know what to do.  I know I’m not supposed to burden her with my problems.  My illness.  My pain.  But even if I don’t talk about it she knows.  She senses what I’m going through.  She sees that I’m not the same person I was a month ago.  Miss M and I have spent practically every moment together since she was a baby.  Our connection runs deep.  And there is no way I can pretend that everything is normal – because it’s not.

The evening of our first reunion post-surgery ended with her in hysterics when she found out I wasn’t staying with them at cousin J’s that night.  The next day, she demanded that I sit beside her for the entire 10 hour drive back to Ohio.  And since we got back, she’s been glued to my side – looking for extra hugs, asking me to hold her, wanting lots of cuddle time.  She’s been fussy with her friends.  Each time I tell her I can’t do something I used to (like picking her up or holding her tight to my chest) she freaks out, starts crying, and runs away to hide.  Tonight she refused to sleep in her bed and demanded to sleep in our room (something she hasn’t done in ages).

What’s a mom to do??  If I give in to her every demand, am I spoiling her?  But with everything that she’s been through doesn’t she deserve a little spoiling?  A little extra attention?  A little extra love?

We are actively looking for a good child psychologist in the Dayton area that she can go to for play therapy.  Hubby and I – and even my dad (who is staying with us to help during my recovery) – are all at a loss for what to do.  Last time I put the word out on my blog about seeking a good therapist for myself you guys came through with some great recommendations.  If anyone has thoughts on how, or who, can help Miss M please let me know.

And I would love to hear from other moms who parented young children while fighting a chronic illness.  How did you make it through?  What helped?  How are your kids now?

In the end, I know we’ll make it through this somehow.  It just seems like a never ending journey sometimes.  I’m so sick of cancer taking away my ability to be the fully engaged, energetic, & active mom I used to be.  We keep telling Miss M that mommy’s gonna get better soon.  But really, when will that be?  It feels like every time I’m done one piece of the treatment puzzle, there’s another piece right behind waiting to fuck with my life.  I’m so sick of it already!!!!

I think I need to go eat a cookie. 

Tomorrow is another day.  Peace.  – T