And the news is both good and bad.
First, the good news… My bone scan was clean and the PET scan showed no evidence of cancer in the bones, lymph nodes, organs, lungs, brain, or anywhere else in my body. All the cancer is still contained in my left breast. So it looks like we’re good to go for surgery next week. Yay!!!
The bad news is that the cancer in my left breast has grown. Both of the original tumors doubled in size since April. PLUS – there is now a new tumor that has taken up residence in between the two old ones. This was definitely not what I wanted to hear. And it’s taken me all day to process the news.
Although I am genuinely happy to find out the cancer did not spread again, I was totally freaked out and upset by the fact that it was still growing. To me, the cancer growth meant something wasn’t working. What was missing? What were we doing wrong? What could we be doing better? Maybe I need to try harder, eat better, exercise more… Be more vigilant… Cut out the occasional wine drinking all together… Stop straying from my prescribed diet… Make a renewed commitment to my meditation practice… Be more conscious of my defenses and entrenched behavioural patterns… Figure out the lessons that the cancer is here to teach me…
These thoughts tumbled through my head all day long. I did a lot of crying and a lot of processing. Thank god I also had my therapy appointment this afternoon and my breast cancer support group tonight – both of which allowed me the chance to process further, feel what I needed to feel, and ultimately end up in a better place. Turns out I’m actually getting better at feeling the feelings instead of just stuffing them down.
And at the end of the day, I do recognize that the good in the situation outweighs the bad. Next week I’ll be going in for surgery and will get all these tumors removed from my body. Going forward, I will continue to do the necessary work to keep the cancer at bay. And hopefully the future will bring many years of being cancer free.
Thanks to everyone for sending all the positive and supportive comments, emails, phone and text messages. I feel the love. And it is a beautiful thing. I couldn’t make it through this journey without you.
Warm hugs, – T