It’s funny how easy it is to be happy when things are going well and you’re feeling good, but not so easy when things start to go wrong.

For the last few days my chest and ribs have been aching and sore.  My breathing is feeling kinda weird.  My energy levels have dropped dramatically.  And I have a sinking suspicion that something is going on inside me.  But it’s hard to know how much weight to give to these aches and pains and changes.  Am I just tired because I haven’t been getting enough sleep?  Is my breathing a bit off because I’m having little mini panic attacks?  Are these just your everyday variety of aches and pains that will go away on their own?  Or (the big question) – Is the cancer back and spreading and wrecking havoc in my body??  Aaahhhhh!!!!

Well, I’m not gonna take a sit-around-and-do-nothing approach.  That’s not my style.  Thankfully, I’m off to Chicago tomorrow for my visit at the Block Center (which will take up my entire day on Friday).  I’ve heard they take a gazzillion vials of blood and run a ton of tests to check how my body is functioning ; vitamin levels, oxidation, inflammation…  Plus I’ll be meeting with Dr. Block himself (the founder of the center and author of the amazing book ‘Life Over Cancer’), as well as an oncologist, nutritionist, psychologist, and lord knows who else.  So hopefully someone will be able to tell me something.

Plus, next week, I’m going to request a CT Scan when I see Dr. K.  I remember one of the scans I had in April mentioning that there was something suspicious in my sternum area and that it might be a good idea to have it checked with a CT scan.  When I brought it up, Dr. K assured me not to worry – We’ll take care of that later.  And I just figured it would be easier to wait till my next scheduled set of scans at the end of the summer.  But now I have a feeling something is going on and I want clarification.  Give me the damn scan right now please.

As I said,  it’s so much easier to be happy on the good days.  On days like today, when my body starts acting up, there is no denying my reality.  I so wish I could be done with it all.  But that’s not an option.  This is my life.  My new life.  And sometimes it’s kind of depressing…  and it sucks…  and it’s totally no fun at all.

But millions of people experience life altering situations every day – accidents, strokes, heart attacks, death, illness…  And things are never quite the same again.  I guess the key is recognizing that even when a situation is horrible, it doesn’t mean our whole lives have to become horrible as well.  There will be good days and bad days.  Ups and downs.  It is what it is.  Some things we can’t change.

Thanks to everyone for pulling me through.  For giving me a reason to keep pouring out my soul on this blog, face my feelings, and contribute to my healing.  It means a lot.  Especially on the “not so good” days like today.

Much love to all.  – T