All Is Quiet

It’s been an action packed, fun filled, euphoric couple of weeks.  Now the dust is settling.  The guests are on their way home.  And the house is quiet.  Really quiet.  And I finally have a few moments to really think about the results of my scans and process the good news.

While I know how amazing the news is…  I still want to understand what this really means.  Is my cancer in remission?  Does surgery now make sense?  Is this just a small success amongst a long path of turmoil?  Or is this a miraculous – cancer is now almost gone – cure sort of thing?  Are the results a big deal – or a REALLY big deal??

My relief is also interwoven with a lot of disbelief.  Can all the cancer that spread throughout my body, lymph nodes, and bones really be gone??  After just 3 months of chemo and a radical change in lifestyle and attitude??  How long does this last?  How long can I keep the cancer at bay?  What exactly does this all mean?

When I try to find information online about others like me, I don’t come up with much.  Instead, I keep finding page upon page talking about the grim prognosis for stage 4 BC patients.  Average survival rate of 18-24 months…  Treatment with no intention of curing the disease…  Focus on pain management…

Please!  Do not remind me!

It’s so depressing reading all that crap.  I know the odds are not in my favor.  I don’t need to be constantly reminded of the fact.  I don’t need to bury myself in grim statistics.  Why do I even read it??

I know that no one can predict what path my disease will take.  Just like all of our paths – The future is unknown.  All I can do is recognize that right now I feel good.  Right now my scans are clear.  Right now I don’t have to do chemo.  All I have is right now.

As my Zen calendar said today, “There is no enlightenment outside of daily life.”  This is it.

Instead of revolving my existence around cancer and trying to predict the future, I must instead enjoy the moments.  Have gratitude.   Take things one day at a time.

And while I LOVE having a continuous rotation of loved ones stay in our home and help me with this journey, I also appreciate the quiet moments.  Days of silent reflection – like today.  Time to meditate on life and gather my thoughts.

I encourage everyone to find moments of silence.  Enjoy the quiet.  Reconnect with yourself, with nature.  Get in touch with something beyond yourself.  Be still.

It ain’t always easy.  But it’s so necessary.

Peace.  – T


9 Responses

  1. You have a gift with words, Terri….You’re so good at expressing your thoughts and feelings on paper, and you have quite the story to tell. Keep up the fight, girl!

  2. It’s interesting how our realities continue to intersect… Shortly after your incredibly hope-filled news, Tami Boehmer shared the story of her friend Darlene Grant on her blog; a fellow BC met warrior fighting for compassionate use of a new drug Pertuzumab to save her life. The good news is the FDA finally caved (with pressure from the media) and released the drug to her. I only hope Darlene has been able to cut through the local red tape and begin taking it.
    Her story immediately got me asking some of the same questions you asked Terri; is it time to have your ovaries out, is surgery now an option, and finally, how do we get you on this drug which shows promising results in fighting Her2???
    In the end, like you, I too focused on searching inward, sitting in the silence and connecting with others who share this journey for answers. Thankfully, these life practices restored me to balance and reminded me yet again to LIVE, EMBRACE TODAY, and remember to SHARE and GIVE BACK in this journey we call life…
    As you embrace the “quiet” today and in the days ahead my amazing niece, always remember you are not alone and feel the love streaming your way…

  3. Just today I added to my status: Funny how just enjoying all the nice things that happen to you right when they are happening can make a possible bad day wonderful.
    One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time; trust me, been there, done that, didn’t get the t-shirt.
    I am however, still alive

  4. It’s about how you LIVE. Whether it’s a minute or a mile, whatever and however long it is, it’s the rest of your life. How do you choose to spend it? You’ll never know how long, and meaning is written looking backwards. So just for today, what do you choose?

    Have no shoulds. Have only choices. Enjoy!

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