It’s been an action packed, fun filled, euphoric couple of weeks. Now the dust is settling. The guests are on their way home. And the house is quiet. Really quiet. And I finally have a few moments to really think about the results of my scans and process the good news.
While I know how amazing the news is… I still want to understand what this really means. Is my cancer in remission? Does surgery now make sense? Is this just a small success amongst a long path of turmoil? Or is this a miraculous – cancer is now almost gone – cure sort of thing? Are the results a big deal – or a REALLY big deal??
My relief is also interwoven with a lot of disbelief. Can all the cancer that spread throughout my body, lymph nodes, and bones really be gone?? After just 3 months of chemo and a radical change in lifestyle and attitude?? How long does this last? How long can I keep the cancer at bay? What exactly does this all mean?
When I try to find information online about others like me, I don’t come up with much. Instead, I keep finding page upon page talking about the grim prognosis for stage 4 BC patients. Average survival rate of 18-24 months… Treatment with no intention of curing the disease… Focus on pain management…
Please! Do not remind me!
It’s so depressing reading all that crap. I know the odds are not in my favor. I don’t need to be constantly reminded of the fact. I don’t need to bury myself in grim statistics. Why do I even read it??
I know that no one can predict what path my disease will take. Just like all of our paths – The future is unknown. All I can do is recognize that right now I feel good. Right now my scans are clear. Right now I don’t have to do chemo. All I have is right now.
As my Zen calendar said today, “There is no enlightenment outside of daily life.” This is it.
Instead of revolving my existence around cancer and trying to predict the future, I must instead enjoy the moments. Have gratitude. Take things one day at a time.
And while I LOVE having a continuous rotation of loved ones stay in our home and help me with this journey, I also appreciate the quiet moments. Days of silent reflection – like today. Time to meditate on life and gather my thoughts.
I encourage everyone to find moments of silence. Enjoy the quiet. Reconnect with yourself, with nature. Get in touch with something beyond yourself. Be still.
It ain’t always easy. But it’s so necessary.
Peace. – T