In The Moment

It’s been interesting to see how cancer really brings you into the present moment.  Turns your life around and dumps you in the here and now.  Every day is genuinely different for me.  And I never know how the day will be until I’m in it.

If I wake up feeling like crap (like yesterday) my day becomes focused on staying low-key, doing a lot of nothing, feeling a little sorry for myself, and eating crappy food because I “deserve” it cuz I’m sick…  Boo hoo…  Poor me…  Then a new day comes (like today) and I’m feeling good.  The sun is out.  I can go on an adventure.  Invite friends over.  Have fun.  Create memories.  And almost forget that I even have cancer.

Not knowing how I will feel each day has totally forced me to live in the moment.  It’s hard to make plans because I never know if I’ll be up to it.  Even when I am up to it, I’m not always fully able to enjoy it cuz I feel so crappy.  So now I wait to make plans until the day of.  A whole new way of living for this control freak excessive planner.

At the heart of all the stories I hear of people living with metastatic cancer well past their “expiration date” is a sense of iron-clad determination and refusal to give up.  Like the fantastic lady we met today at the public market who was told over 30 years ago that her metastatic breast cancer would kill her – and fast – but she’s still here.  She said what got her through was her attitude, the support she received, and getting rid of the emotional baggage that allowed the cancer to thrive in the first place (in her situation the baggage was her alcoholic ex-husband).

In my own fight I am really trying to understand what cancer has come to show me.  Why it came.  What lessons I’m supposed to learn from this.  What emotional baggage I have to work through.  I know if i don’t learn the lesson now it will continue to come back again and again and manifest itself in different ways until I finally get it.

In the meantime I’ll just keep living in the moment.

Love to all.  – T