Trusting The Path

Fear not everyone – I am feeling better.

In the days since my not-so-fun reaction to the Leukine shot I have rallied back to life and gone on to create some beautiful memories.  At this point, any opportunity to create a beautiful memory and I’m there.  That’s what life is about.

Yesterday was yet another journey into nearby Yellow Springs (my new favorite town!) and creating memories with Miss M and Auntie M…  Then after dropping off darling auntie M at the airport today (sniff! sniff!)…  Hubby, Miss M, and I took off on a family adventure.  First we went for Chinese food at our new favorite spot Mr. Lee’s in Vandalia…  Then it was off to the CIRCUS!!!  And it was especially cool because not only was it Miss M’s first time at the circus – but it was also MY first time!  Both she and I were totally transfixed as we watched all the animal and people tricks.  What fun!

During intermission as hubby and Miss M went down to look at the elephants I relaxed in my seat and starting thinking…  How is it going to be to live my life with a bald head??  Going to the circus…  The library…  Grocery shopping…  All with this bold proclamation of my current health status.  It’s almost like wearing a big colourful name tag that says, “Hi, I’m Terri.  And I have cancer.”

Not that I’m concerned with other people’s reactions.  More curious.  Especially now that I’m living in ‘small-town’ Ohio.  If I was still living in NYC I’m sure the whole thing would largely go unnoticed.  I’d be just another face on the subway…  Another person with troubles…  Just trying to survive…  But here I imagine people will talk.  Isn’t that what they do in small towns?  Of course, this is also a benefit of small town living…   People do talk, and then people know, and then people get involved.  And I have to say, all the people Hubby and I have met since we moved here are rallying around us.  It’s quite amazing.

So the deal with my hair that sparked all these thoughts – is that millions of hairs are falling out basically every time I touch my head now.  Luckily I had a thick mop of hair to begin with – so this thinning out process is taking a while.  But it’s almost becoming more hassle than it’s worth to keep the little that’s left.  Half of my shower time is spent shaking off and removing hair.  When I move around in my sleep I inevitably end up with hair from my pillow up my nose or tickling my ears.  And then I wake up with a layer of hair covering my pillow.  It’s so wild.  And I feel myself inching closer and closer to saying “Fuck it!” and just shaving it off.

I have always believed that everything happens for a reason.  Miss M coming into our lives at the perfect time to distract us from the turmoil of the last 3 years and keep us smiling…  My mom being sick at a time in my life when I could pack everything up and move across the country to take care of her…  Her sickness affording me the opportunity to stay at home and raise Miss M…  Hubby getting a job in Ohio where living on 1 salary is possible and living with cancer is easier in so many ways…  Us being essentially homeless for 6 months before moving to Ohio so that I could appreciate just having a roof over our heads and not get caught up in negativity about living in a small town and leaving my beloved NY…

I trust that somewhere there is a reason for my breast cancer diagnosis as well.

I’ll let you know once I figure it out.

Peace.  – T



5 Responses

  1. If I recall correctly, there were always lots of your hairs floating in my pool growing up…
    Terri, you are beautiful with or without hair. I say pull a G.I. Jane and shave it off! Watching that scene I always felt proud to be a strong woman, and in honor of all the “warriors” out there I say take charge and shave it off!
    I love you!

  2. Oh, circuses are one of my very favourite things! How wonderful to share your first one with Miss M’s first! I like the elephants and the trapeze artists the best. If there were a way for elephants to BE trapeze artists that would be the Best of All Possible Worlds for me. I expect you know the story of the elephant and the six blind men — here is a link to a woodblock print depicting it:

    Taking each moment and making something out of it better than it would have been if we hadn’t experienced it is all that any of us can do with the Now. I take joy in the joy you are making.

    Much love, and always my prayers for you and your family,


  3. u have such a beautiful face honey – i say shave it off and stand tall.
    i googled yellow springs – i looks so cute. I’m so happy u r somewhere happy and beautiufl- just like u xxxxx

  4. Terri – your courage is wonderful and inspiring. Every time I sit you are in my thoughts – both you and your incredible mom. She still feels so present to me.
    Hugs and love – Martha

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