Riding the Roller Coaster

The more doctors I meet with, the more confused I get.

There are just so many variables to consider…  My relationship with the doctor, the reputation of the facility, the different treatment recommendations, access to cutting edge treatments, logistics and timing…  How do i prioritize?

I went into my meeting in Columbus settled and sure in my new plan to pursue treatment there.  But left feeling unsupported and unsure of my decision.  While I loved the facility in all its sparkling glory and fancy amenities and resources, I did not love my doctor.  Meanwhile, I really like the local small town oncologist I’ve been working with here but am very dubious about the local hospital.  And while I LOVED everything about my experience in NY I just can’t find a way to make pursuing treatment there a viable option.  Sigh.

There really are no easy answers, are there?

What I do know is that I need to make a decision FAST.  My tumors have almost doubled in size since my initial diagnosis in mid-November.  I need to start treatment NOW.  I don’t have time to keep “shopping” for the perfect doctor and treatment facility.  I need to just make a decision and do something.

As it stands right now, I have 2 separate chemo appointments scheduled for next week – one with my local guy and one in Columbus.  I guess I’ll just mull things over during the course of the weekend and then go with what feels right come Monday.

The emotional roller coaster of this diagnosis is so intense and psychotic.  I started today confident and assured of my new plan… spent my drive home in a teary anger filled rant of despair… came home sad and confused… and then received a positive boost of hope and reassurance from stories of survival posted on the internet and shared by a dear family friend who is successfully battling breast cancer herself.

And through it all, life goes on.  The dishes need to be done.  Toys need tidying.  My little girl needs a bath and bedtime story.  Life goes on.  And I will go on.  Just as thousands of other stage IV breast cancer warriors do.

Amen.  – T

5 Responses

  1. Yes my warrior, you will go on… Take these two days to confer with those you hold close to your heart, review the pros and cons, and together, you/we will make the right decision. The one question you did not answer is are the treatment recommendations the same at both facilities, or will you get the more advanced/aggressive clinical trial at Columbus you were hoping for? Important piece of the puzzle… Let’s talk tomorrow

  2. I haven’t met you Terri, but I know and love your Aunt Laurie and spent a little time with your Mom a few years back. You have been through so much in the past few years. Asking why frustrates as the answers just don’t come… yet. It’s so not fair…yet fairness doesn’t appear to have anything to do with human reality. Surely your Mom taught you that life is suffering…but why some of us get slammed so hard remains incomprehensible. This body of ours has a mind of its own but is just housing for something truly beautiful and miraculous. You simply can’t go wrong if you really focus on what your heart tells you; your brain without the benefit of your heart’s wisdom can lead you astray. Even though I don’t know you, just want you to know that you will be in the thoughts and prayers of a fellow warrior in Dartmouth. Trust yourself, answers will come.
    Love, Christa

  3. If you are not happy with Dr’s and felt good about NY then make NY work….I am assuming you went to Sloan Kettering?? If so, make that work!! Get donations, start a fund but make it work! They habe excellent doctors resources and options..a close droned of ours was told to put his affairs in order years ago, went to Sloan and opted for some experimental treatments…he is stil here with us today!! Get the best and get it now! Thinking of you!!! Happy New Year!

  4. Dear Terri,
    Yesterday, December 31, was Cameron’s 8th birthday. We all thought of you! We are all thinking of you constantly. We all know it’s hell for you, with all the confusion that’s come your way. But, as you say, Terri, you must start treatment now. The tumors must be treated now. And you like your oncologist, the fact that he listens to your doctor in NY. If you say, as you do, that NY is not a viable option, then start there, near your home. Laurie told me she’ll be there middle of January. I’ve checked the airlines myself, so I know how I’m getting there when I can come. Just start the treatment, Terri. It’s a necessary beginning!
    Much love,
    Aunt Kathy

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