Keep the Faith

Reality is sinking in…  I have Stage IV cancer.

It doesn’t matter that i’m only 37 years old.  Or that I have a 2 year old daughter and husband who need me.  Or that I was just reaching the prime of my life – Finally ready to pursue my career as a social worker, filling out applications to become a foster parent, and settling into a new and promising life in Ohio after two years of personal hell.  No, none of that matters.

The reality is that I have metastatic breast cancer.  The reality is that life is unfair.

For the first time since finding this out yesterday, my husband and I acknowledged our new reality tonight with lots of tears, hugs, and love.  Laying beside each other we expressed our anger and sadness as well as our hope and belief that we can make it through this.  I want to grow old with this man…  Raise a household of kids with this man…  Retire on a beach in Brazil with this man…  It’s hard for me to even fathom that that might not be an option anymore.

My doctor in NY says I can live with this.  I will never be “cured”.  But it is possible to shrink down and eliminate enough cancer cells so that I can continue to live.  For how long???  No one can say.  I don’t get attached to the statistics.  I try not to even read them.  Every situation is unique.  All I can do is live in the moment and hope for the best.

My new treatment plan is still undefined.  I did manage to get an appointment at the Ohio State cancer center in Columbus for Friday.  I have opted not to start chemo tomorrow so I can leave all my options open for possible clinical trials (some of them won’t accept you if you’ve had prior treatment).  Regardless of whether I end up pursuing traditional treatment or a new clinical trial, I HAVE TO start doing something next week.  I can’t give those cancer cells any more time to stake claim to my body!!

Oddly enough, somewhere deep down inside of me, a little voice keeps saying that I’m going to win this battle.  Whatever “win” means is of course subject to interpretation.  But I feel like my regular exercise, meditation, green juicing, organic vegetarian diet, psychotherapy sessions, tai chi, young age, and positive attitude have to count for something, right??  Not to mention the abundance of support, prayers, and positive energy that other people are sending me…  Which by the way, I SWEAR i could literally feel during my meditation session today.  Thanks everyone!!! :-)

I realize that not everyone is lucky enough to have this much love in their life.  Or the opportunity to focus on healing the way I do.  I have not forgotten my blessings.

Keep the faith, carry on, and remember there is always something to be grateful for.

xoxo  – T

 

15 Responses

  1. You are truely amazing! Was just talking to someone at work this morning, and it was mentioned about the commercial on TV where the woman was being treated at the Cancer Center of America. They have centers all over the states, don’t know about their reputation, but check out their website. You are probably being bombarded with info, but like you said, treatment needs to start immediately. Don’t hesitate to call us if you want one of us to be there with you, love and prayers, Auntie Mary

  2. And not everyone is lucky enough to have you for a niece, cousin, daughter, wife, mother, friend… Inspiring us each and every day, reminding us (yes you, the one with cancer, reminding us!) to keep the faith, carry on and remember to be grateful. You my love, are what I am deeply and profoundly grateful for in this moment. Can’t wait to wrap my arms around you…

  3. Shedded some tears when I spoke with Laurie this evening….shedding a few more right now wondering why things like this happen to such a wonderful person, then getting pissed off! I HATE f_ _ _ _ _ g CANCER! But, you are such a strong, positive person that I know you’ll gonna kick its ASS! Thank you for sharing your fight with us and know that there are so many people sending prayers, positive thoughts and love your way. If there is anything at all I can do for you please ask…. I will be following your story and sending you positive thoughts and energy; and will have my yoga class do the same! Stay strong graceful warrior!!! Peggy

  4. Terri, you are one wonderful woman. Love, hugs and blessings full good energy to you from all of us!! Whatever treatment plan you choose, we are there with you.
    You are an important thread in the web of this world and your influence touches us all. Love, Stevie

  5. Terri,
    Words can’t begin to express the emotion I feel for you right now. I have known you practically my entire life and have always felt you were another big sister. I just want you to know that I am willing to help in ANY way I can. Just let me know and I’ll be there for you guys!. Please keep writing so I can stay in touch. Love & Hugs Katie (Z) Marcelino

  6. Terri, I am a dear friend of your Aunt Laurie, and when she told me the news about you, her beautiful niece, it was like she was speaking about one of my nieces. You and I were brought into a club we did not want to join. I am a 5 year breast cancer warrior and you will be too! Thank you for your blogs, they will help more people than you can imagine. Stay positive and believe with your whole being you will beat this ugly disease….I know you will, because I believe in miracles. God Bless. Cindy

  7. Ok, so you can fight this mf—-ng thing!!! You have an amazing family to support you and you are your mothers daughter. I’ve seen what this disease has put my sister and 2 of my sisters in law thru. It sucks and I know you are in the fight of your young life. You are not alone, you have a ton of people praying for you. Head up!! Keep the faith and don’t be afraid to reach out!!! Someone will always be there.
    Cathy

  8. we love you terri, everyone in our family is praying for you and sending positive thoughts. every image that i have of you in my head is happy, positive and loving. you have always been the aunt/cousin that we looked up to and you always will be. let us know if you need anything. xoxo

  9. Terri,
    You’ve touched so many with your amazing light and grace. Know that every single one of us is armed and ready to fight this fight alongside you. You must be truly overwhelmed with all this information coming in and treatment decisions you’ll need to make. Please let us lighten the load, we can be there whenever you need a hand. Try to remember to ask for help. Put yourself FIRST. Now is the time to do that…..please.

  10. Hi, sweetheart. I’m so sorry to hear the new information. Thank-you for starting this blog. I love you, and I know you will be fine. But WTF, why you? It’s not f’ing fair, Terri. I’m sorry that I can’t say something sweeter, or more positive, but…it’s too much for you. If anyone can handle it, though, you can. I’ll be thinking of you constantly.

  11. Dear Terri,

    Sending you love and prayers for continuing strength, courage, peace and wisdom as you fight this battle. You are truly a graceful warrior woman.

  12. Terri, my darling friend…
    Like we talked about, you don’t stop fighting until the battle’s won. Whatever that means. And we’re all here to support you in that, with whatever you need.
    xoxo

  13. Teri,
    Dear Teri
    My heartfelt good energy is sent your way to stay strong and accept the love and support from everyone.
    Ed and I will do whatever it takes to suport Laurie in helping you and your family. Love Peggy & Ed

    • Terri,
      I am a friend of your aunt laurie. I will keep you in my meditations, thoughts and prayers and send you positive healing energy. I , like mamny have had loved ones affected bythis disease. My sister( Mary) who has been a quagraplegia for close to 4 decades was afficted but is now cancer free. The amazing part is that she can always find the joy in life everyday despiote her plight. Keep the light and joy close to your core . Peace.
      Kathleen Baldwin

  14. Hi Terri – your Aunt Laurie/Dori are really good friends of mine. I write the prayers for our Church prayer chain. You will be included…prayer is a very powerful healer- so much love is already being sent your way. You know the power of love, for you have lived it. It’s time now for you to quiet yourself with your family and let the answers about treatment come to you, gently. Listen to what sends the message of healing to you. You will know what to choose, and it will be Right for You. You are already blanketed with love. Wear this mantle confidently- you must have earned it. I will pray – and our prayer chain will pray for your heali g and recovery. Listen with your heart for the answers that belong to you. I will be following you and sending love and healing as well. God Bless- Marcia

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