WTF?!!????

So i met with my oncologist today and it appears my diagnosis has changed.

To be honest, i’m a little confused about the whole situation.  What started out as simple, easy, curable, Stage IIB breast cancer only a month ago, now appears to be possibly Stage IV metastatic breast cancer!!??!!  It seems the PET scan I had last week shows some serious lymph node involvement beyond what we originally thought – positive lymph nodes around the chest muscles of BOTH breasts, my lungs, my collarbone, throat, and other areas.  PLUS, there’s some questionable areas in the bone marrow of my middle back and left leg femur bone – Even though my bone scan from 2 weeks earlier said all my bones looked fine!  As the title of this post says…  WTF!!!???!!!!

This means my entire treatment protocol is changing.  To what?  We’re still not sure yet.  I’m finding out about a bunch of possible clinical trials…  I’ll be going for an MRI to check on the status of the bone marrow concerns…  I’m consulting with the team at Sloan Kettering in NY about the changes and revised diagnosis to see what they suggest…  And i’m planning to move my ENTIRE treatment over to a more respected and cutting edge cancer center associated with Ohio State University in Columbus.

In the meantime, I’m scheduled to start an entirely different chemo regime on Thursday morning (involving Herceptin, Paclitaxel, and Carboplatin).  Unless of course, things change again.  And beyond that…  Who knows.

Emotionally I’m a bit all over the place (as is to be expected).  I find myself looking around in stores and on the streets and thinking, “why don’t all these overweight, unstable, and unhealthy people have cancer?”  What the heck did I do that brought me to this point??  I’m upset that I didn’t trust my gut and seek treatment from a bigger hospital in a bigger city from the beginning.  I’m pissed that I can never seem to get the full story about what’s going on.  I’m sick of all the tests, and scans, and doctors appointments that have consumed my life every day.  I’m pissed that this happened right after I moved to a new state where I know nobody and all my friends and family (that want to be there for me) live in cities far away.  I’m worried about my daughter and how this is all going to impact her.  I’m scared.

Hopefully writing this blog will help on a number of levels.  Help me to express what I’m feeling and going through…  And help my loved ones stay up-to-date with what’s going on…  And maybe even help another breast cancer warrior out there in the world who happens to stumble across my blog and find something that resonates or touches them in some way.

Welcome to my world.  More to follow…

Peace and love to everyone.  – T

11 Responses

  1. You are a graceful woman warrior…what a perfect name for your site! Thanks for sharing your inner-most personal thoughts, rants and expressions. I look forward to following your progress and being there with you when you beat this horrible disease. I only wish I could run right over to you and give you a hug right now. But since I can’t, think of me giving you a big squeeze right now. Take care of you. Love you my friend.

  2. WTF is right! It certainly isn’t fair – you were dealt a raw deal. But your amazing warrior spirit will pull you thorough this challange. You know we will be willing to be there if you want us-all you have to do is ask. Love and prayers, Auntie Maria

  3. Your name says it all my graceful woman warrior…
    Know that your army stands behind you, armed with love, ready to kick some cancer ass as you move forward…
    Love, Laurie

  4. Hi Terri – we’re all thinking of you through this, knowing inside that all will turn out well. We’re standing by if there is anything we can do, let me know. Love, Daniel.

  5. I love that you are so brave and so open and so willing to share your experience with the world. I hate that you have go through this
    to do it. I know you do not know me very well, but you live in my heart and are in my thoughts and prayers. I surround you with love, light, and peace. If you need ANYTHING and you think I might be able to provide it, I am willing and able. I love you dear one. Mary

  6. Hail Terri, full of grace: your Mom is with thee. Me too.

    (Mary Agnew, by the way, was in the room while you were being born–even more constantly than *I* was–for the entire time, which was HOURS! I know you have an unusually good memory, but I doubt you remember that.)

  7. Terri-yes, thank you for sharing this blog with family and friends that love you! You are such a courageous woman, and I know that with that courage and strength, God will see you through this! Please know that our love and hugs are showering over you each and every day. If I can help in any way, all you have to do is call. Just a few hours away. Love you lots!! Tanya

  8. I love baby sitting. And I’d totally drive for hours to do it. Just sayin’! :o) Give me some notice, and I can take some time off to be there to help.

    On a more serious note, I can’t help but think of how “unfair” all this is. However, there must be a reason you are facing these challenges now. Like you said in the email and blog – maybe this is your chance to shine and make a huge impact.

    And even though you’re oh so far away, your family loves and thinks of you every day.

    -Cousin Jessie

  9. Terri,
    Daniel and I are thinking of you and just want you to know we are sending you love and hopefulness. You really are so strong and you have taken such good care of your body and that will help you through this. And you are right that all your spiritual practices will help guide you too. We want to help if there is any way we can. Emily and Ruby and Luther are all thinking of you. I picture Sophie and your mom watching over you, sending you strength. Please let us know if there is something we can do.
    Love, Amy

  10. Dear Terri
    I hope you don’t mind that Dori shared your blog with me. She is so proud of you and how bravely you are handling things and by reading this blog I totally can see that.
    Life has thrown you an unfair challenge, but it surely seems you are ready to handle it and show who’s boss.
    You are in my heart and thoughts and I’m sending my most positive healing vibes to you.
    Warmly,
    Kim

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